Terrelle Pryor Commits To $25,000 Fine, Five Years Probation, Community Service

COLUMBUS- The college football world was finally able to relax today after highly-touted mobile-QB recruit Terrelle Pryor announced his official commitment to a $25,000 fine, five years of probation, and community service for a legal infraction he will likely commit while a member of the Ohio State Buckeyes.

"I'm excited to hopefully join the ranks of Ohio State Penitentiary in 2008," P ... Read more

Passive-Aggressive Roommates Wage Silent War Over Thermostat

PACKARD ST - Twelve degrees Fahrenheit have become a veritable no-man's-land as the escalating, unspoken war of passive-aggressive thermostat-setting continues between senior housemates Patrick Brook and Michael Hayes.

The once stout relationship between the two has soured over the last few months as the men entrenched themselves along the theoretical battlefield, Brook drawing the line ... Read more

Party Ruined By Guy Who Stops Believing

GREENWOOD - It was just a small town party, being held in a lonely apartment, but Todd Blackledge's Februaryfest was a swinging affair until one guy's inability to continue believing rendered the scene lame beyond repair.

"The place was bumpin'," recalled Blackledge. "We were halfway into our second keg, there were a couple of cuties playing strip flip cup in the back hall with Nick an ... Read more

Granholm Praises Michigan's Strong Store-Closing Sign-Holding Job Market

LANSING - Governor Jennifer Granholm gave her annual State of the State speech late last month, guaranteeing an economic rebound after predictions came in that Michigan's already strong store-closing sign-holding job market is set to skyrocket in 2008.

"More of Michigan's workforce is out on the streets advertising liquidations than ever before," Granholm said between bursts of wild che ... Read more

Emily Dickinson Themed Valentines Day Party Achieves Record Sarcastic Attendance

CAMPUS—In a charming display of appreciation for the season of love, the Emily Dickinson Club's annual "Because I Could Not Stop For Cupid--" Valentine's Day party attracted a record attendance of sarcasm.

"Though ‘tis been centuries since we have seen a crowd scarcely visible on the horizon, as we turn our heads toward eternity in love I fall, the death of me,” recited a flailing ... Read more