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Campus

Warm Weather Has Ann Arbor Preachers Excited To Get Outside, Condemn Students To Hell

As the town emerges from another especially cold winter, sources say the rapidly improving weather has Ann Arbor preachers eager to get out in the warm, spring sunlight and loudly condemn passing...

  • Apr 6, 2015
Sports

Gym A Great, Terrible Place To Hit On Chicks, Say Men, Women

THAT ONE TREADMILL IN THE IM BUILDING— A recent survey of male gym goers found the gym to be a perfectly acceptable place to hit on women, to which a cohort of female gym goers responded,...

  • Apr 5, 2015
Featured

Derek Jeter Caught Gazing Wistfully At Infield From Stadium Bleachers As Baseball Returns Without Him

Despite seemingly accomplishing everything during his illustrious career and retiring last season to much pomp and circumstance, Derek Jeter has been frequently seen in Yankee Stadium, likely hoping...

  • Apr 5, 2015
Campus

Report: IM Basketball Player Can ‘Almost Dunk’

CCRB—Although he has consistently been described by gym teachers and coaches throughout his life as an “average athlete who really tries his best,” 5’11’’ sophomore and IM basketball...

  • Apr 5, 2015
Featured

Neurotic Doctor Too Concerned with Getting Time of Death Right to Save Patient

Noting how he had failed to acknowledge the dying patient, but had watched the clock with extreme precision and accuracy, reports confirmed that Dan Marshall, head surgeon of Greenwich Hospital,...

  • Apr 5, 2015
National

Area Man Suddenly Realizes He Turning Into Less-Cool Version of Father

Father and elementary school teacher Keith Bauman, 33, had the startling realization last Wednesday that he had become the spitting image of his father at his age, if by age 33 Bauman’s father had...

  • Apr 5, 2015
Featured

Report: Coors Just Selling Trains Now

Citing market research that indicated consumers were more excited by the Coors Light Silver Bullet train marketing campaign than the beer itself, the MillerCoors company announced plans Monday to...

  • Apr 5, 2015
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