Report: Michigan Marriage Pact Match A Two

Multiple sources have confirmed that thousands of University of Michigan students opened their email inboxes last Monday evening to discover that their ultimate match is objectively a two. “All my friends got ugly people, and everyone else we know...

Bar Bathroom Filled With Crying Girls

After waiting 20 minutes in line for the ladies’ restroom last Thursday night, Senior Eve Smith discovered what the holdup at the bar bathroom was when she got to the front of the line — just a bunch of crying girls.  “The bathroom is almost...

Roommate Survives On Just Beans For Weeks

Various reports from individuals familiar with the matter have indicated that University of Michigan junior David Evans has persisted on a diet of nothing but beans for several weeks. “I honestly didn’t think beans could provide enough...