Sources report that the spider descending from the ceiling in freshman Kelly Peterson’s room, in a manner similar to that of Tom Cruise in the first “Mission Impossible” movie, was equally as unwelcome in the apartment as the latter...

Sources report that junior Alex Duchovnys has had his phone set to vibrate “way too hard,” and that it “fucks up everybody in the room every time it goes off.” “We were just sitting in lecture and suddenly I heard what sounded like a...

Reports emerged late last week that a sad guy was pushing the Cube. Sources reported seeing LSA senior Jacob Strombley last Thursday at 8:57p.m. pushing the large art installation designed by Tony Rosenthal in 1968 into motion. Strombley caused the...

According to residents of 423 South Fourth Ave, area roommate Max Sanford was seen using chopsticks to eat his Chinese takeout even though he was not in public and no one even cared. “I really prefer the feel of eating lo mein off of a nice bamboo...

A testament to her benevolence and compassion as an instructor, Jennifer Louman, a GSI for English 354, reportedly sent out an email extending the deadline of the classes five page paper in anticipation to giving them grades that will surely destroy...

Before leaving his shared apartment, roommate Howard Gibbs told his roommate of three years, Ken Quinn, that it was “nice meeting .” “You take care of yourself,” said Gibbs to the man he spent the better part of his formative years...

After thorough data analysis it has been revealed that a strong correlation exists between voter participation in the CSG election and owing a favor to a Jewish kid in your EECS class. Per norm, only 15% of the entire undergraduate student body...