After a grueling ten hours of writing his English 238 paper, LSA sophomore Ryan Graziella has reached the point where he’s looking up synonyms for the word “the.” According to Graziella, once he “gets in the zone,” he has a bad habit of...

Reports emerged late last Thursday that area woman Andrea Johnson’s date at the Pinball Pete’s arcade on South University St. “could be going worse, I guess.” Johnson, a self-described “grown woman,” reportedly shrugged and looked on...

Reports indicate that LSA English junior Charlie Holland expected his groupmates to be more in awe of his fortitude after he showed up at a 9 PM meeting despite the fact that he was feeling under the weather. “It was crazy, I don’t think I’ve...

In an act of rampant and unbridled hubris, the Potbelly located on South State Street reportedly has additional seating located on the second floor. While, most days, the place is populated by a few individuals at the front tables, the restaurant...

During an appointment last Monday, inspirational LSA advisor Nina Goode, a widely recognized beacon of motivation, reportedly counseled junior pre-med student Jeff Martel, telling him to “get his shit together.” Martel scheduled a...

Sources reported last Wednesday that the meaning of LSA senior Jason Spellman’s life would have to be questioned only after the completion of his upcoming Econ 440 midterm examination. Spellman, who “almost declared a Sociology major” before...

Senior Associate Director of Housing at the University of Michigan Amir Baghdadchi recently announced that the housing department would be partnering with the company to create a new housing program. The housing program promised to be “affordable...