All scientific laws were left on the cutting room floor last Friday when LSA freshman Jessica Ritz mislabeled an assignment “Jan 2018.” The assignment responsible for the cosmological catastrophe was a reading response for Amcult 113, which...

After surveying a selection of English students from all levels at the University, it was discovered that every rough draft from every English class was shitty. The survey, which was filled out at the last minute in between classes, showed that...

Following a delightful weekend full of video games and outdoor play at their aunt and uncle’s house, the Tremaglio children were shocked and “a little miffed” to check social media the following weekend and see their cousins spending time with...

According to reports, local pessimist Anna Thomas has been seen reading her daily horoscope up to a week in advance so she can accurately decide when she should be sad. “Reading my horoscope weeks ahead can help me plan better,” says Thomas, a...

The Pew Research Center last Tuesday released a study of demeanor in an academic setting which concluded that approximately 76% of university professors with a calf tattoo will tell you to call them by their first name. The report collected data...

As classes start back up for the new semester, and many students report awkward interactions with new classmates, area student Glenn Waters has confirmed reports of his plans to “just skip all that” and judge the characters of his classmates in...

The University of Michigan’s Division of Public Safety has recently announced plans to employ a new sobriety test system in which students suspected of inebriation will simply be asked if they would like to go to Pancheros. Personnel in charge of...