“For a while I was just waiting for my paycheck to post, but then it occurred to me that I’m just about ready to skip town,” said Kirk. “I’m headed back to LA after graduation, and I’m never seeing any of these fuckers again!”

Stating that every last patron had attempted to flirt with someone prior to coming into the restaurant, sources confirmed yesterday that the line in the Pizza House foyer was comprised entirely of rejected lovers. “I was just across the street at...

A campus-wide security alert was released last week following a string of incidents in which several students were injured by makeshift booby-traps constructed across campus. The traps, which the Department of Public Security called “an extreme...

Reid also added that it can get “a bit awkward” being seated next to parents during some of the groups “more provocative” songs, such as their cover of Britney Spears’ “Toxic.”

During a recent stump speech in the Rogel Ballroom of the Union, Central Student Government candidate Caleb Lieberman admitted that while the responsibilities of public office are are daunting, his girlfriend SMTD sophomore Jane Michaels has...

Though she has yet to formulate an opinion one way or another about the conflict in class, Samuels took prompt and sweeping action to defend the integrity of her favorite on-campus sushi establishment.