Ann Arbor SoulCycle instructors have recently come under scrutiny by their SoulCycle superiors for not harvesting the adequate number of souls. “You have failed us,” hissed SoulCycle corporate employee Anna Danfield. “How will our Master’s...

Sources are reporting that in the minutes leading up to last Tuesday’sStats 250 lecture, freshman DamianWallis somehow grazed his ass on every pair of knees he passed while shimmying through the crowded aisle to an empty seat. “I could tell he...

Sources at last Friday’s UMix have confirmed that LSA sophomore Michael Reeves was clearly only attending the university-sponsored event to get some pussy. “Listen, if I pull up to UMix on a Friday night, I’m not leaving alone,” said the...

Reports are coming in that LSA sophomore Jared Jones is simultaneously the shortest and tallest person in his CLCIV 385 discussion section, depending on whether he is standing or sitting. “The man has an incredibly long torso. When he’s...

A group of resident advisors in the University of Michigan’s West Quad dormitory were forced to bust their own party last Saturday when one of the rambunctious RAs sent a complaint to the RA on duty who was also at the party. RA Lionel Giniari,...