After waiting 20 minutes in line for the ladies’ restroom last Thursday night, Senior Eve Smith discovered what the holdup at the bar bathroom was when she got to the front of the line — just a bunch of crying girls. “The bathroom is almost...
After decades of difficult and dangerous work, done willingly out of a desire to make the world a better place for his children, area man Tony Guillini reportedly announced his disappointment at having experienced such unequivocal, resounding...
Various reports from individuals familiar with the matter have indicated that University of Michigan junior David Evans has persisted on a diet of nothing but beans for several weeks. “I honestly didn’t think beans could provide enough...
After an utterly dominant performance, sophomore Court Henderson was declared the winner of his October 15th history discussion section for being the loudest student. According to the syllabus for HISTORY 205 — a survey course on the history of...
After witnessing LSA sophomore Dan Reinhardt apply not one, not two, but three distinct pumps of Purell to his hands upon entering his Creative Writing classroom, multiple onlookers unanimously confirmed that Reinhardt must have just finished doing...
The University of Michigan announced this week that it will be adopting a new Alcohol Edu course for incoming freshman students who need to learn how to drink in the big leagues. In a reversal in policy, the university is now committed to teaching...
Multiple sources have confirmed that during an English 389 peer review, Junior Evan Michaels was being a “massive cock.” “All he did was correct my commas instead of giving any type of constructive feedback,” said Sophomore Sally Sanders,...