After accepting a job offer in Des Moines, Iowa this past week, local senior Josh Plemons has recently been heard expressing his desperation to “get the hell away from this town and everyone in it.” “Seriously, I need to leave Ann Arbor as...

Promising to “disrupt the subscription culture and revolutionize the way we think about monthly recurring payments,” new subscription company Subscribify has detailed its plans for a new platform that only costs ten dollars per month....

Sources report that dorm roommates across campus are now reaching the stage of living together in which they cannot stand one another. “My roommate and I used to get along pretty well, but around February is when it started going downhill,”...

Citing his utter disbelief at receiving their bi-monthly emails, LSA senior Jeremy Moore “literally can’t believe” he has spent the last four years on the marine biology club listserv despite never once attending a meeting or being involved in...

According to eyewitness reports, two undergraduates sharing a hammock caused widespread disgust and “gross vibes” from other students on Diag. “It was a really nice day today, so I decided to grab a picnic blanket and sit under a tree. Then I...

Though several of her friends had invited her to attend social functions on Saturday evening, senior Molly Wile turned down all their offers in favor of “taking some well-deserved ‘me’ time,” which reports claim was “fucking epic.”...

UHS has recently confirmed that each and every student at the University of Michigan has fallen ill because of sophomore Michael O’Sullivan deciding to slip out of the bathroom without washing because they “didn’t look dirty.” “College...