Freshman Sophomore By Credit

A recent unsolicited report showed that LSA first-year Sophie Turnbaum “wanted to let you know” that, due to AP credits earned in high school, she is “technically a sophomore.” Despite a noticeable lack of demand for this information, or...

Report: Sluts Going To Be So Slutty On Halloween

After thorough statistical analysis conducted by the Pew Research Center, it was concluded that nearly all of the nation’s sluts will be so slutty on this year’s Halloween. Head researcher Simon Carruthers spoke with the media last week to...

Blue Bus Dies In Captivity

Sources report that a Bursley-Baits bus, which was born into captivity of the University, died early Sunday morning. University researchers report that the tragic passing has raised important ethical questions about whether blue buses should be...