Amid discontent surrounding their recent decision to require two factor authentication to log on to University accounts, officials from the University have announced that blood sacrifices are an acceptable means of access. “We have heard your...

Reports emerged this yuletide season that area woman Jenna Lee Williams’ most recent bout of seasonal depression was in fact just her regular chronic depression, but with the addition of a fun Santa hat. “I love the holidays! I get to wear this...

According to reports emerging last Friday, members of the Debs housing cooperative have somehow all managed to acquire the exact same septum piercing. Although the co-op members did not get the procedure done at the same place, they all coincidently...

Reports have indicated that South Quad resident Kirk Fletcher, who evidently has so many friends they are unable to fit at any normally seated table, would like to know if you’re using that empty chair next to you. Fletcher, who needed to make...

After returning from Thanksgiving break, LSA junior Martin Gary has reportedly announced that he’s “still finding his groove” at this point in the semester. “My grades definitely aren’t where I want them to be,” he told reporters....

Reports emerged last Tuesday night that the dance team practicing in Mason Hall was way too fucking loud. The hip-hop choreo group known as Dance 90X FusionS reportedly produced a cacophony of ugly sounds during their 90-minute midnight rehearsal...