Bar Bathroom Filled With Crying Girls

After waiting 20 minutes in line for the ladies’ restroom last Thursday night, Senior Eve Smith discovered what the holdup at the bar bathroom was when she got to the front of the line — just a bunch of crying girls.  “The bathroom is almost...

Roommate Survives On Just Beans For Weeks

Various reports from individuals familiar with the matter have indicated that University of Michigan junior David Evans has persisted on a diet of nothing but beans for several weeks. “I honestly didn’t think beans could provide enough...

Loudest Man In Discussion Section Wins

After an utterly dominant performance, sophomore Court Henderson was declared the winner of his October 15th history discussion section for being the loudest student. According to the syllabus for HISTORY 205 — a survey course on the history of...

Kid In Peer Review Being Massive Cock

Multiple sources have confirmed that during an English 389 peer review, Junior Evan Michaels was being a “massive cock.” “All he did was correct my commas instead of giving any type of constructive feedback,” said Sophomore Sally Sanders,...