After completing three laps around the kitchen island in pursuit of the disposal place for his apple core, houseguest John Hardy is reportedly still unable to locate the hidden trash can. “I know it’s somewhere,” reported John as he...

Reports are coming in that your friend, Jessica Keitler, whose life is better than yours by nearly all metrics, will be going out of town this weekend while you stay at home. Sources close to both you and Keitler have confirmed that she could have...

Standing with his arms crossed in front of a 24” by 36” poster of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, Tanner Wilson, the man from your Tinder date just wants you to know he’s damaged. “I really identify with Holden,” said Tanner...

Citing a near constant amount of shuffling and repositioning throughout the night, attendees of Mich House’s recent open house party have been able confirm that the entire event was one long instance of shifting eight inches from side to side to...

Sources reported Friday night that the guy with the lampshade on his head at the big party was actually Dave Gillihan, an officer of the law who wore the lampshade in an effort to protect his identity. “My job is to serve and protect and that’s...

Students in Classic Civilization 404: Intermediate Greek Mythology have reported that attending their GSI’s office hours at Espresso Royale felt eerily similar to going on a first date. The GSI in question, Trevor Harrin, indicated on his...

According to housemates, LSA junior James Matthews, known for his slightly strange behaviors, was recently seen making a “very reasonable and portion-sized,” amount of pasta. Dave Goslin, housemate of Matthews, told reporters that Matthews had...