Standing with his arms crossed in front of a 24” by 36” poster of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, Tanner Wilson, the man from your Tinder date just wants you to know he’s damaged. “I really identify with Holden,” said Tanner...

Citing a near constant amount of shuffling and repositioning throughout the night, attendees of Mich House’s recent open house party have been able confirm that the entire event was one long instance of shifting eight inches from side to side to...

Sources reported Friday night that the guy with the lampshade on his head at the big party was actually Dave Gillihan, an officer of the law who wore the lampshade in an effort to protect his identity. “My job is to serve and protect and that’s...

Students in Classic Civilization 404: Intermediate Greek Mythology have reported that attending their GSI’s office hours at Espresso Royale felt eerily similar to going on a first date. The GSI in question, Trevor Harrin, indicated on his...

According to housemates, LSA junior James Matthews, known for his slightly strange behaviors, was recently seen making a “very reasonable and portion-sized,” amount of pasta. Dave Goslin, housemate of Matthews, told reporters that Matthews had...

After laboring for a year on his senior thesis, English major Don Jenkins turned in what his advisors called a “masterpiece of modern prose,” which perfectly adhered to the five paragraph essay formula. Jenkins was “exceedingly proud” of his...

Gauging the outside temperature as too warm for a full-zip yet still too cold for a full-unzip, junior Raymond Harris deemed it appropriate to half-unzip his jacket on his walk to class this past Thursday. “Campus is finally warming up,” said...