UHS Warns Reckless Binge Drinking Not for Pussies

A campus-wide e-bulletin was released this morning by University Health Services in an attempt to advise students on the dangers of binge drinking. According to the announcement, the act of consuming large quantities of alcohol “is no easy task...

Report: One Paper Towel Ain’t Gonna Be Enough

In the wake of a massive milk spill last Tuesday, it became apparent to local clutz Richard Beavis that one paper towel just ain’t gonna be enough this time around. “When the carton tipped over, I just picked it back up and threw down the...

Desperate Student Looking Up Synonyms For ‘The’

After a grueling ten hours of writing his English 238 paper, LSA sophomore Ryan Graziella has reached the point where he’s looking up synonyms for the word “the.” According to Graziella, once he “gets in the zone,” he has a bad habit of...

Pinball Pete’s Date Could Be Going Worse

Reports emerged late last Thursday that area woman Andrea Johnson’s date at the Pinball Pete’s arcade on South University St. “could be going worse, I guess.” Johnson, a self-described “grown woman,” reportedly shrugged and looked on...