Schlissel at regents meeting dressed in UofM style pajamas

Schlissel Asks Regents For Later Bedtime

University of Michigan President Mark Schlissel has reportedly contacted the regents of the university to request a later bedtime. “It’s so unfair! All the other university presidents get to stay up late. And I don’t even get sleepy when...

Girl with knee brace at doctor's office

Girl With Knee Brace Totally Milking This

After tripping during her IM soccer game, LSA sophomore Julia Herndon has been spotted hobbling around central campus in a knee brace, in what some are calling an “obvious attempt at milking the hell out of the situation.” According to...

Bed with sleeping man and bed bugs

Bed Bugs Report Massive Bed Man

This past Tuesday, a local cluster of bed bugs reported an infestation of one gigantic bed man. The bed bugs, which have inhabited the bed for about six weeks, reported great alarm and discomfort at the arrival of the unwelcome guest. “During the...

Man Sleeping

Depression Nap Becomes Depression Hibernation

Sophomore engineering student Thomas Decker has reportedly settled down for a forty-minute depression nap that will eventually become a four month depression hibernation. Decker has regularly taken afternoon depression naps according to sources...