Friend Apparently Qualified To Be Hired As Consultant

University of Michigan junior Adam Salley was shocked to discover last Friday that his friend, graduating senior Brett Hartman, was apparently qualified to work as a consultant. “I was a bit taken aback,” said Salley, referring to his friend’s...

Smoke Alarm Batteries Sacrificed To Greater Cause

Sources have confirmed that the batteries contained in 914 Oakland Avenue’s fire alarm were called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice last Saturday night, when housemate Olivia Brown got a little too horny. Brown was reportedly alone in her room...