Issuing a warning to any and all fish in the area, a statement released earlier this week by your uncle’s t-shirt reports that it is a ‘bad day to be a fish.’ The report served to confirm that of all days, today was a bad day to be a fish.

In an announcement during the White House press briefing last Tuesday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer revealed that the Trump administration is working to cut funding for good, helpful and otherwise pleasing decisions.

According to the paper, “99.9 percent” of all species that have ever existed are now extinct, and “maybe a few dozens of those” would still be “worth having around.” The vast majority of extinctions, the paper concludes, are “a

Local daughter and all-around good girl Michelle Williams invited long-time boyfriend Mark Stims up to her parent’s home Thursday for a weekend of skiing, homemade meals, and savage anal fucking in her childhood bedroom. “Never would I have...

Following a large ceremony on the beach in California, newlyweds Josh and Sarah Perry have decided to make plans for a summer divorce. “We don’t want to rush anything,” commented Mrs. Perry. “We want to enjoy our short-lived marriage before...

The family of Lieutenant Commander George Collins expressed disappointment this week in what was supposed to be a “surprise” homecoming by the soldier, saying the event was poorly executed and “pretty underwhelming.” The family, residing...

Demonstrating his respect for the position as he made his way to the doorway, area second grader and tallest student in class Hunter Tabert solemnly took his place at the front of the classroom line. Tabert, who reportedly entered the school year...