After viewing area man Mike Barnum attempting to explain that the stock market “just makes sense,” eyewitnesses agreed that the attempted clarification of the complex system of stock exchanges was far more terrifying than any possible market...

Briefly glancing at the teeth area man Jason Kowal had spent a good week brushing, mouthwashing, and flossing, Kowal’s longtime dentist Dr. Cooke reportedly failed to acknowledge her patient’s recent uptick in effort. “Your brushing is fine,...

While trying to find a parking spot last Thursday outside of Ann Arbor’s Bed Bath & Beyond, area man Clyde Benson wished he were handicapped so that he could park in one of the blue spaces closer to the store. “This parking lot just fills up...

According to a study conducted by University of Virginia researchers, 9 in 10 white men just can’t wait to gentrify your neighborhood. “We’re coming,” said the white men when reached for comment. “We’ve heard so much about D.C.,...

Bringing Ms. Landsdale’s lesson on fractions to a screeching halt, local third grader Timmy Quigley exclaimed “snow! It’s snowing!” The report has already sent shockwaves throughout the classroom with children dropping their jaws in...

Noting a general proclivity for roller coasters, race cars, and chase scenes in movies, sources report that area preschooler Jackson Harris just wants to go balls to the wall seven days a week. “Faster, faster, faster!” commented Jackson while...

As of last midnight, local grandma Marie Pugh has reportedly whipped up a fuckload of festively decorated Christmas cookies. Having worked tirelessly for nearly three days, Pugh told sources that she was “damn proud” of her prodigious output and...