Area man Jacob Ridenour reportedly spent the majority of his fifty minute therapy session on Thursday praying that his problems were bad enough to keep his therapist interested. “When I started seeing Dr. Richards I was confident that I was fucked...

Local grandmother and ideological conservative Helen Norman reportedly expects to be loved like it’s some kind of handout. “She’s just being lazy – that’s all it is,” said Norman’s granddaughter, Tori Beamer. “She lays around all...

“I guess I just thought I was going to really get doused,” said Cole, who had brought multiple changes of clothes to Buffalo in preparation. “I didn’t even get my gift store poncho out of my bag.”

Stating that the book was otherwise perfect, sources confirmed last week that area man Jared Hall’s personal notebook was soiled by the writing inside of it. The notebook, a pocket-sized leather bound moleskin, was reportedly defiled by the...

According to a recently released study, evidence suggests a strong correlation between reckless spending and having awesome stuff. The study measured the connection between the level of cash spent with the amount of cool things in one’s...

Realizing that there were no plans to attend Palm Sunday mass and that no one in her family seemed to be acknowledging Lent this year, sophomore Hannah Colburn concluded last Tuesday that the first Easter since the death of her grandmother would...

Issuing a warning to any and all fish in the area, a statement released earlier this week by your uncle’s t-shirt reports that it is a ‘bad day to be a fish.’ The report served to confirm that of all days, today was a bad day to be a fish.