Modern Oracle Names Child Destiny

Dispensing her soothsaying wisdom from atop her hospital bed, wise and all-knowing area prophet Michelle Gronda has proclaimed to the world that her first-born child would be named Destiny. Her Omniscience, who had just gone through a grueling three...

Kid With Peanut Allergy Totally Gets Pranked

Wily trickster Adrian Scott struck again last Tuesday when he hilariously slipped a handful of ground peanuts into the sandwich of peanut-allergic classmate Ethan Marsh. The sly prankster’s devious little felony assault was noted by Scott’s...

‘Pitter, Patter,’ Report Area Mice

According to reports from homeowners and laboratory technicians alike, the country’s mice have recently shown an increase in reports of “pitters” and “patters,” as well as the occasional “tip, tap.” The reports, which come mainly from...

Poll: 54% Of Americans Can Go To Hell

According to a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, approximately 54% of Americans can “just go to hell.” The project was led by a small team of researchers and measured “how fucking stupid the other side is”, as well as...