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Italian Restaurant Menu Just Expects You To Know Italian

Offering an “antipasti” choice of either “crostini misti con ciottoli” or “bruschetta calda all’olio d’oliva e aglio,” it reportedly became clear that the menu at Grazie Ristorante Italiano just expects you to know Italian. “I’m...

  • Nov 9, 2018

Red Solo Cup To Celebrate 1,948,282,283th Birthday In Landfill

In commemoration of many happy years on this earth and many more happy years to come, a red Solo cup is set to celebrate its 1,948,282,283th birthday in the nation’s largest landfill, sources report. “My lab has been tracking the decomposition...

  • Nov 9, 2018

Man With Weak Forearms Thinks He Can Make It In Finance

Reports emerged last Tuesday that Ross School of Business junior Mark Hodler’s internship interview with the DeRouter accounting firm was cut tragically short by the small and unimpressive circumference of his right forearm. Hodler’s weak,...

  • Nov 9, 2018

Woman With Target Shopping Addiction Just Thinks It’s The Cutest Fucking Thing

According to friends of area woman Jenna Greene, a self-described “literal Target addict,” the 24-year-old appears to believe that her apparent addiction to purchasing things at the homegoods store is “just the cutest fucking thing in the...

  • Nov 8, 2018

Man Who Got Flu Shot Going To Go Ahead And Flex That Bandage For A Few Days

After receiving his yearly flu shot from Walgreens, it has been reported that area man Ben Watson is going to “go ahead and stunt that band-aid for another day or two.” The nurse who administered the vaccine reportedly recommended keeping the...

  • Nov 8, 2018

Nation’s Wiley Tricksters Report Something On Your Shirt

In an attempt to make suckers and dopes across the country look, wiley tricksters all over the United States are announcing that there’s something on your shirt. “What is that?” asked Odell Perkins, 13, class clown from Cedar Rapids Middle...

  • Nov 8, 2018

Tearful Mobster Says Goodbye To His Little Friend

  • Nov 8, 2018
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