Hey sonny boy, looks like you haven’t been eating good as of late. Why don’t you have some of my hearty beef stew? Wouldn’t want that bad cold to get ‘ya. Go ahead and whop a dollop on your plate, you sure could use a lil’ meat on them...

Well, well, well. Look what we have here. All you heathens and Satan worshippers were feeling so superior, so high and mighty. You all said I was crazy for preaching about the end of days. You all said I was wrong for telling you that you’re...

Ok, everyone line up single file and count off one by one when we say “Go.” This should only take a minute. If everyone can just pay attention for their turn to call out the next number, we should be out of here in no time. Great. Now if...

Hey, champ. Your mom and I want to talk to you for a sec. We know you threw a party while we were gone this weekend, and we want you to know that we’re not just angry with you. We’re also disappointed. Now, listen, bud. We put a lot of faith in...

Hey man, have you been to the Arb yet this year? Yeah, I know it’s February and it’s cold, but dude, this is actually the best time to go, trust me. I myself am a bit of a nature enthusiast and know that right now is the prime season to hike the...

Wait, babe, I thought you were cool with that? I swear, I totally wouldn’t have said that if I wasn’t totally positive you were okay with it. I mean, shit, I love you so much, I never would have said anything to hurt you. It was just a joke...

I simply can’t take it any longer. Every time I try to walk a few steps away from Mom to taste some funny-looking bug, I’m yanked away by something bigger than me. So much of my very short life hasn’t even been my own — I’ve been subject...