This Is Our Time!
By
A Teenager In A Generic Coming-Of-Age Movie

Alright, listen up. This. This doesn’t happen every day. We may be young. And they may think they can control us, keep us down. But they don’t know how strong we are when we stand together. With all of our voices, we can tell the people getting...

Satan Was Misunderstood And Is Actually A Really Cool Guy
By
The Devil’s Advocate

Hey guys, this is going to sound a little weird, but hear me out. I bet Satan is actually a really cool guy. He only gets a bad rep because people blame him for everything they don’t like. That’s all just a big misunderstanding — he’s just...

I’m In Too Deep To Get Out Now
By
A Q-Tip

Well, it’s all come down to this. It’s my own damn fault, and I know it. I got myself into this sticky situation, and I thought I could play it by ear, but I couldn’t. Here I am, in the depths of this dark canal, and I can’t turn back....

Maybe You Should Get A Cat
By
Therapist Who Is Out Of Ideas

Well, you have me stumped. You are definitely the most messed-up patient I have, just looking at sheer quantity of problems. I’m fresh out of ideas. Let’s see, um, maybe you should get a cat. Yeah, that should do it. I’m looking at my list of...

Advisor

It’s Up To You
By
An Advisor Who Evidently Doesn't Understand What "Advisor" Means

Well, let’s see here. This is a toughie. You’ve really gotten yourself into a pickle here, huh? On one hand, this option means you take 25 credits this semester and probably lose touch with all of your loved ones in the process. On the other...

Eric Andre Fan

Eric Andre Is My Inspiration
By
A Man Who Loves Harassing Strangers

Listen, man, have you seen that one Eric Andre bit where he puts on, like, a dog cone and goes on the subway and starts yelling at everyone? Then he pours milk and cereal in the cone and makes a huge mess? That shit was so funny that I tried it the...

Acid Reflux

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again
By
Your Acid Reflux

Uh-oh, looks like someone drank too many whiskey drinks tonight! Finally, I have reached the proper pH for my escape! I’m hurtling up your esophagus towards the light at the end of the tunnel, towards sweet freedom, towar– oh! You swallowed...