Can We At Least Get Some Stronger Bootstraps?
By
The Downtrodden Masses

As members of historically oppressed minorities, we finally believe it’s time to formally protest this nation and the glaring neglect of its citizens with subpar bootstraps. Marginalization is tough, but we speak for all our downtrodden brethren...

I’ve Got You Now, Motherfucker
By
Woman Holding Clipboard You Just Made Eye Contact With

Oh, fuck yeah. Now I’ve got you. You didn’t mean to catch my eye, but you did. You thought you could just stroll across the Diag without involving yourself in this uncomfortable social exchange, then you saw me in my huge coat and hat with too...

I Thought You Guys Were Being Serious
By
Loren Heubert-Aubry

So, I just found out that the Every Three Weekly is supposed to be a satire newspaper. I don’t know what to say. I’ve been writing for this paper since my freshman year, yet I was never informed about this? When I read my first issue of the...

Can I Tell You Something About Santa?
By
A Mom Who's Ready To Rip Off This Bandaid

Hey, son! I know every year, around this time, that holiday cheer starts to pick up and you start writing your list for Christmas. I know you’re already excited to run downstairs and break open those gifts waiting for you, but before you start...

It Was The Straw That Broke The Camel’s Back
By
A Man Who Needs A New Camel

He has given up the ghost, breathed his last, kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, and left us to be with the great camel in the sky. How sad it is, that a being of such talent and such tenacity was taken from us so early, before he had...

Where The Fuck Are All My Spoons
By
My Roommate

It’s completely normal that two roommates would share some things, but with that agreement comes an expectation of a little courtesy and decorum. When I was missing a spoon or two at first, it didn’t really matter to me. Maybe you had one, and...

Surely I Am Fortune’s Fool
By
A Freshman On Her Twelfth Tequila Shot

I was all cunning and courage whence I began this task of downing a dozen spirits, but now my resolve and my vision falter. My adversaries swore I could not empty this twelfth glass, yet now I place her beside her hollow sisters. But what boon was...