Do You Need A Hand?
By
A Man With Huge Biceps

I was craning my neck over my bulging bicep and noticed you carrying a bag of groceries that looked a little larger than normal. I want you to know I spent months building up my muscles, and I was wondering if you needed a little boost. I can...

I Fucked Your Mom
By
Tyler From Xbox Live

Hey, you wanna know what felt even better than going flawless in that free-for-all just now? It was last night, when I fucked your mom. Oh, what’s that over there? I think she left her bra on my futon. No big deal, I’m sure she’ll be back...

I Swear, He Looks Better In Person
By
A Girl With An Ugly Boyfriend

I promise you — he looks better in person. Pictures just don’t do him justice! I mean, come on, would I really have dated him this summer if he wasn’t cute? He’s just not photogenic. I swear. I can’t even find a good picture of him...

Do You Know Where You Had It Last?
By
A Friend Watching You Look For Something

Are you looking for something? Just think about all of the places it could be, I mean, where did you last set it? It has to be somewhere around this apartment, you wouldn’t even take it anywhere else. Do you remember...

Gimme A Call When You’re Ready For The Big Leagues
By
A Hot Shot Executive Handing You A Business Card

You were pretty good in there, kid. Pretty sharp idea about the merger. You remind me a lot of myself at your age. Quick thinker, good speaker, ambitious. So what are you doing slumming it at an office like this? Talent like yours is hard to come...

What Do You Guys Think Of My Hat? by Katie Klier
By
Every Three Weekly

Hey Guys. Writing for this paper for the past four years has been a blast and a half and I’ve learned so much. But what’s exponentially more important than that, is what you guys think of my hat. As co-editor-in-chief of The Every Three Weekly,...