I Just Feel Like Nobody Believes In Me
Santa Claus

Hello everyone, it’s me, Santa Claus. Christmas Time is always busy for me, as you may have guessed, so I have to keep this brief. I’ve been working super hard for a long time, and it’s hard to stay motivated sometimes, and I just want...

And So, Yeah
A Guy Ending His Presentation

Furthermore, and in addition to everything I’ve said so far, the declining wolf population is a direct result of unfair stereotypes that the media perpetuates. And so, yeah, that’s about it. Thanks, everyone. So uh-huh, if anyone has...

Of Course Santa Isn’t Real, You Fools
The One Jewish Kid in Your Third Grade Class

For too long, I’ve had to face the blatant lies that gentile parents feed their witless children. Every year, as the days get shorter and colder, they grow excited. “Santa is coming!” the morons cry. “What are...

Taxation Is Theft
A Man Who Has Apparently Never Driven On A Public Road

Look, nobody likes taxes. I know it. You know it. We’re all against the government coming into our homes, having sex with our wives, marrying our children, and getting their grimy hands all over our money. My main point is that nobody...

Don’t Make Me Go Back In There
A Beached Whale

Please. Don’t make me go back in there. I can’t last another minute living in that godforsaken dump you call an ocean. The other day a piece of plastic went up my blowhole, and that was the last straw — literally. That thing stung like a...

I Get The Gist Of It
A Man Who Read One Page Of The Book

Hey, have you read The Great Gatsby? Oh, that’s surprising, you absolutely must — it’s by far my favorite book, not to mention a literary classic. Oh no, I didn’t read the whole book, but I think I got the gist of it. It’s pretty clear...