Hello everyone, it’s me, Santa Claus. Christmas Time is always busy for me, as you may have guessed, so I have to keep this brief. I’ve been working super hard for a long time, and it’s hard to stay motivated sometimes, and I just want...

Furthermore, and in addition to everything I’ve said so far, the declining wolf population is a direct result of unfair stereotypes that the media perpetuates. And so, yeah, that’s about it. Thanks, everyone. So uh-huh, if anyone has...

For too long, I’ve had to face the blatant lies that gentile parents feed their witless children. Every year, as the days get shorter and colder, they grow excited. “Santa is coming!” the morons cry. “What are...

Look, nobody likes taxes. I know it. You know it. We’re all against the government coming into our homes, having sex with our wives, marrying our children, and getting their grimy hands all over our money. My main point is that nobody...

Everyone knows that sex before marriage is a sin. But if you must do the deed, you might as well make sure it’s with me, Ben Shapiro. A new study has found that married people are happiest if their spouses are the only people with whom they’ve...

Please. Don’t make me go back in there. I can’t last another minute living in that godforsaken dump you call an ocean. The other day a piece of plastic went up my blowhole, and that was the last straw — literally. That thing stung like a...

Hey, have you read The Great Gatsby? Oh, that’s surprising, you absolutely must — it’s by far my favorite book, not to mention a literary classic. Oh no, I didn’t read the whole book, but I think I got the gist of it. It’s pretty clear...