A judgmental-looking mom.

You’re So Hard To Shop For, I Don’t Know What You Like 
The Person That Raised You For Eighteen Years

Hey, honey, I know you’re really busy right now with school and everything, but your birthday is coming up soon, so could you send me a list of links to stuff you might want as a gift? Make sure to send a few, so I have some options to choose...

Man drinking from glass

Boy, That Sure Is Good Bourbon
A Man Speaking Through Gritted Teeth

Aaahhhhh. Oh yeah. Yep. Boy, I’ll tell ya, that sure is good bourbon. It was made in Kentucky, you know. Good stuff. I’ve got an uncle who buys this by the barrel. Yeah, we’ve got some family up near the distillery. What? Have I ever...


Your Training Is Past Due And We Know Where You Live

Did you really think you could run? I asked you to complete your trainings by August 31st, 2021. We know that you’ve been dodging our “friendly reminders” for over five months. Did you really think you would get away with this? Do you want...

Image of grassy backyard

Any Day Now, Guys
The Dead Body Buried In Your Backyard

Any day now, guys. Any day now. One of these days, one of you guys is gonna come digging around out here and bump into me, I just know it. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m not sure if you’ve lived here the whole time I’ve...

Child looking angry

What The Hell Do You Mean It’s Not My Birthday
A Leap Day Baby Turning Five Who Hasn't Quite Grasped The Concept Yet

What the actual FUCK do you mean it’s not my birthday? How can I not have a birthday when Riley just brought cupcakes into kindergarten last week for hers? How can I not have a birthday when I literally went to Jack’s party and he had a fucking...

A middle school girl about to belt her heart out

Okay, But No One Look At Me
A Middle School Girl About To Sing

Oh my gosh this is so embarrassing. Look away. Ahh no seriously look away. I don’t trust youuuuu. Okay wait let’s go to the bathroom so I can hide in a stall. OMG don’t go under the stall you’re crazyyy. Okay stay outside. Okay I’m gonna...

A detective that's just made a startling breakthrough

Um, Guys? I Think We’re Actually Looking For A Woman
A Detective In A Crime Show

Woah. This is crazy. Totally out of left field. I know we’ve been looking for a male suspect this whole time, but… what if he’s actually a female? Has anyone noticed that all of the killer’s victims have been little scrawny 150-pound...