I Got Into This Paper On Merit!
By
Suzy Weiss’s Roommate, Sophie Jacobs

I know what you all are thinking— who’s this “Sofie” girl who just applied for “The Every Three Weekly” for the first time her senior year? How’d she get onto this paper?! To those people I say, I am supremely funny and my...

I’m Not A Really Big Cat Person
By
A 5’2” Half Cat-Half Man Hybrid

Let me be as clear as day: I am not a big cat person. In the world of cat people, I would not put myself anywhere near the ranks of big, large, nor huge. It’s not even close. In fact, by looking at the objective metrics for cat personness, it...

My Phone Cracks So Easily!
By
Your Friend With A Drinking Problem

You won’t believe it when I tell you, but my phone screen shattered again last night. I seriously think I need to talk to Apple about this. My screen cracks once a week, I guarantee it. I don’t think this happens to other people’s phones. I...

Sometimes I Just Like To Come Here And Think
By
The Guy In The Tall Blue Fishbowl Chair

I see you’ve found my special place. Welcome. Sometimes I just like to come over here, to these tall blue spinning chairs, and clear my mind. If you sit in the chair and turn at just the right angle facing the wall, the whole world truly seems to...

From Dust We Came, And To Dust We Shall Return
By
Frosty the Snowman

Alas, as the snow at our feet begins to melt into the hard ground, so too drains the icy blood from my veins, and I begin to wither like a tree of old Father Christmas torn mercilessly from its roots. The very precipitation cycle that once brought...