I know what you all are thinking— who’s this “Sofie” girl who just applied for “The Every Three Weekly” for the first time her senior year? How’d she get onto this paper?! To those people I say, I am supremely funny and my...

Thank you for your purchase, graduate! Your new class ring is a reminder of the past four years you’ve spent here – the friendships forged, the causes fought for, the knowledge learned — and with this token you’ll never forget it. Most...

Now, listen here pardner. I know you think you can come in this here public middle school, guns a-blazing, but I’m the good guy with a gun ’round these parts and I reckon you’ve got another thing coming. In my time as a gym teacher at...

Let me be as clear as day: I am not a big cat person. In the world of cat people, I would not put myself anywhere near the ranks of big, large, nor huge. It’s not even close. In fact, by looking at the objective metrics for cat personness, it...

You won’t believe it when I tell you, but my phone screen shattered again last night. I seriously think I need to talk to Apple about this. My screen cracks once a week, I guarantee it. I don’t think this happens to other people’s phones. I...

I see you’ve found my special place. Welcome. Sometimes I just like to come over here, to these tall blue spinning chairs, and clear my mind. If you sit in the chair and turn at just the right angle facing the wall, the whole world truly seems to...

Alas, as the snow at our feet begins to melt into the hard ground, so too drains the icy blood from my veins, and I begin to wither like a tree of old Father Christmas torn mercilessly from its roots. The very precipitation cycle that once brought...