Remember, Everyone, We’re Guests Here
By
A 5th Grade Teacher On A Field Trip

Listen up, everyone. Please quiet down. Now, before we explore the museum I need everyone to remember that we are guests here. We do not own this place. We’re no longer in the classroom. That means we have to respect this place and behave...

And You Called Me A Bad Year
By
2016

Well, well, well. What do we have here? Oh, I remember you. You’re the one who tweeted, “2016 is the worst year in history. Fuck this shit.” I believe you even added a few weeping emoticons to drive the point home. I don’t recall what made...

Condescending, cocky looking man

You’re So Funny For A Girl
By
A Man With No Female Friends

Hey, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, but I think you’re really funny for a girl. Usually girls are just kinda buzzkills or they don’t have a good sense of humor, but you really seem like you get it. I have to say, I’m pretty...

Resolved and confident woman looking at reader

You’re A Total Virgo
By
A Total Bitch

You’re such a Virgo! You’re so analytical, practical, and loyal. I bet that makes you a total pain in the ass for fantasy football. Are you bullied often? Most Virgos are, it’s just written in the stars for you! When I saw you mess up your...

A sad-looking duck

Why Are You Being So Mean To Me?
By
A Lame Duck

Hey! What the hell, guys? Why on earth are you calling Congress and the president a “lame duck” right now? You think that’s funny? It’s actually pretty hurtful! I’ll have you know that I had my leg permanently damaged by a piece of...

¡Mierda!
By
A Guy Who Claimed Bilinguality On His Resume And Got The Job

I swear to God, man. On dios. I totally thought I had the skills for this. I made straight “A”s in Spanish for ALL of middle school and even some of high school. ¿Qué hora es? I can tell you what time it is all day long, man. ¿Cómo estás?...