For The Bored Custodian
Ismael Halaweh

90% of the issues we print go to waste. I used to deliver these puppies, and can tell you almost no one reads a physical copy anymore unless it is shoved in their face on the Diag. Print media is dead; most of our readership is online now anyways....

My Formal Resignation
Alex Haab

About three weeks ago, our editors created a Buzzfeed quiz that asked, “Which editor of ‘The Every Three Weekly’ are you?” I know that if I were an editor, I would be none other than Ismael Halaweh, and this is a fact. I said to...

I Got Into This Paper On Merit!
Suzy Weiss’s Roommate, Sophie Jacobs

I know what you all are thinking— who’s this “Sofie” girl who just applied for “The Every Three Weekly” for the first time her senior year? How’d she get onto this paper?! To those people I say, I am supremely funny and my...