Local man, David Olsen, has decided the effort he exerted getting off his couch just now “definitely counts as one sit up.” Sources say Olsen, an insurance adjuster, first sat down after coming home from work....

In order to uphold its high standards of integrity and athletic excellence, USA Track And Field announced that it would be replacing all hurdles in its hurdling events with landmines.  “Unlike other sports,...

The Michigan Men’s Rowing Team suffered a big loss last Saturday during the Big Ten Semifinals after being lured off course and ultimately eaten alive by two ancient, mythological beasts known from Homer’s Odyssey as “the sirens....

Fisherman Dane Lewis set a personal record this past Tuesday when he reeled in a 14-foot, 1,800-pound Beluga whale at Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, Illinois. While always a fan of freshwater fishing in the wild, Lewis claimed he “wanted...

Reports from the University of Michigan Parkour Club meeting last week confirmed the gathering as nothing more than 30 minutes of jerking it to dope buildings. “We started off with minutes from the week before,” said team captain and...

Coming off another underachieving season in 2018, the University of Michigan football program has told its loyal fans that they might as well just break their own hearts this year. “We all know what’s inevitably going to happen, so the...