Terrelle Pryor Commits To $25,000 Fine, Five Years Probation, Community Service

COLUMBUS- The college football world was finally able to relax today after highly-touted mobile-QB recruit Terrelle Pryor announced his official commitment to a $25,000 fine, five years of probation, and community service for a legal infraction he will likely commit while a member of the Ohio State Buckeyes.

"I'm excited to hopefully join the ranks of Ohio State Penitentiary in 2008," Pryor said during his announcement.

Pryor held out a week past the first official signing day to weigh his sentencings, eventually choosing the $25K fine, five years probation, and community service offered by Coach Jim Tressel and the Buckeyes over far heftier penalties from Michigan, Penn State, and Oregon.

"It was a difficult decision, but eventually, I decided I would be a better fit in OSP's complex plea-bargaining scheme," said Pryor.

"I just didn't feel like I would fit in in places not known for letting me borrow their Corvettes."

Pryor said the decision came down to what town would give him both more press coverage and a looser sentence for all of the kickbacks, gratuities, and under-the-table booster cash he expects as the nation's #1 prima donna in 2008.

"I saw the way Michigan quietly forced out [#1 prima donna in 2007] Ryan Mallett because he was a booze hound and an attention hog, and I thought, that's really not the right program for Terrelle Pryor," said Pryor.

"They didn't even give him a chance to be the next Maurice Clarett before they transferred his ass."

Pryor said he doesn't expect the same inattention to his immoral sexual- and alcohol-fueled escapades at OSU, though he's not sure if his forthcoming court case will be high-profile enough.

"Courts in Columbus see so many of these cases that I'm afraid the cop might not even show up," Pryor said.

Pryor said he is not planning to orangejumpsuitshirt his first year, and hopes to compete for the starting spot on the Buckeyes squad before his huge flameout.

"Coach Tressel said he wants to see how I handle low-pressure criminal infractions before bringing me in on the big deals," said Pryor. "He really liked my poise when I got caught shoplifting Celine Dion's Let's Talk About Love at the Columbus Best Buy."

Pryor added that QB Todd Boeckman "got all redfaced and shit his pants on his first try."

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