Passive-Aggressive Roommates Wage Silent War Over Thermostat

PACKARD ST - Twelve degrees Fahrenheit have become a veritable no-man's-land as the escalating, unspoken war of passive-aggressive thermostat-setting continues between senior housemates Patrick Brook and Michael Hayes.

The once stout relationship between the two has soured over the last few months as the men entrenched themselves along the theoretical battlefield, Brook drawing the line at 78º, Hayes at 66º.

"Was it pretty hard for you to fall asleep last night?" Hayes fired during breakfast Monday morning. "Got kind of hot in my room. Middle of winter, too. You'd never expect that."

Brook returned shot.

"No trouble for me. I must use fewer blankets than you do. My skin breathes better. Could you pass the butter?"

Friends report that such conversations take place intermittently throughout the week, both sides entirely too big of pussies to actually confront one another directly.

The Tepid War has even carried over into the house refrigerator's thermostat. While Brook sets the temperature at tepidly warm, Hayes insists on the coldest setting.

"I love when I have to icepick out my leftover pizza," Brook mumbled, leaning his head into the fridge while Hayes waited for something to microwave. "Rest in peace, Edmund Hillary."

Hayes responded the next morning by calling the milk in his cereal "something akin to taint-water. I wonder how that happened?"

The presence of a third housemate has complicated the situation, as both parties have competed for said housemates sympathies.

"I was sick on Thursday, so I just camped out in front of the TV in the living room. That's where the thermostat is," reported third housemate Brian Hunter. "Every time either of them entered or exited the room, they adjusted the thermostat with a scowl, often glancing at me imploringly and saying something like, 'Boy, this thing must change itself.''"

"I like to think of myself as a thermal Switzerland, though," said Hunter. "Just keep a hoodie and some gym shorts close by and stay neutral no matter who is winning."

"I'm totally OK with the temperature I set," Brook said when interviewed. "And anyway, there's only two more months of winter. That's like 60 days. I'm sorry to hear Mike won't be able to handle a little sweat on his balls."

Hayes responded, "I agree. If Patrick is gonna be a baby-heart about how cold I like to keep the apartment, we can live like we're in a schvitz."

Landlord Christopher Hutchinson was witnessed chuckling at the scene during a Tuesday afternoon visit to collect rent.

"Three times in the last hour I've seen these two sneak in and out of the room playing with the thermostat. That piece of shit hasn't worked for years."

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