I’m So Happy To Announce My Dawn Treader Has Sold Her 100th Book!

By Andrei Markovitch, Owner, Dawn Treader Book Store

My little Russian heart positively leaps over to joy these days, for last week, my Dawn Treader Book Shop make its 100th sale of a fucking book. And it only took me 29 years in this crazy Larry town to do it in!

Finally is what I’m saying!

Yes, yes, “Visit Bulgaria! A Guide To Eating Out On The Eastern Bloc’s Most Coveted Soil”, was the winner. It was a big book describing dining locales in former (so they say) Soviet stronghold. I sold him for 5,000 Ruples, or $.35 Democratic World currency. That bitch book has been on my shelves for so long that I could remember. It has dust jacket that almost crumble into dust, ha- HA!

For those keeping tracking, Mr. Ken Tash of Arborland Apartment is the centennial man, so please send him your thank yous if you even care about our little store. He bring wife who wear beret on head and clothes like young boy, and probably she has metal piercing in her valashka. I say, No prostitute here!, and instead of being insult, he buy book anyway! What a noble Joe. I ask him how much for one hour.

We had big celebration of the vodka I had in the refrigerator under the checkout desk, and my daughter Natalya did victory mazurka, which disturbed Babushka Tanya’s matryoshka doll and broke the credit card machine again. I get out tired old “Cash Only” sign again. I used to hold it in street in Moscow under different circumstance.

But it was worth it - we are now rich! Anyone want for Quickie Burger?

When I come to America back in 1978, everyone tell me, ‘Andrei, open book store. Americans love to reading.’ And I say, OK! Now, the Dawn Treader has finally joined shields with big boys like Misters Barnes and Noble and the Borders family. Hey, maybe we should start a two for price of one deal in honor of this momentousness? Would that make lousy students purchase books instead of milling about like a bunch of kavorkas? In the gulag, your assholes would be very penetrated by now.

Hooray, says my wife to me, we have passed century mark! Maybe next time someone will come in for sucking you off, Andrei! Her valashka almost as dusty as copy of Lady Chatterly’s Lover, $4.25 or best offer. Book, not valashka.

To tell you the truthfully, another gentleman come here asking for big book to protect him from rain. So, I give. I tell him check World War II history, big pictures of hero Stalin. He come back emptyhanded, say he found his umbrella. I say how you lose umbrella, up your asshole?

He would have been hundredth book, but he had kamchatka for brains. That is how it happen.

The former owner said store has “seen better days before.” Seen better days my pyotr! Is OK though: I hung him in the street to ward off bad luck vampires. He was holding tired old “Don’t Shoplift” sign.

These days is like we lack danger. ‘Hey, no problem, tovarish! You come in, you look around! No pressuring!’ But that no work. Maybe bad luck vampires already strike.

Is all OK good. I forgot we were store for a while there, but better now. We may be just big labyrinth of dust. Yet big labyrinth of dust sometimes pay off, baby Sue!

Lately I keep the store at 50 degrees so they know we’re not shit-bitching yard sale. Dusty labyrinth of book buying place, yes, but not shit-bitching yard sale, motherpenetrator!

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