A CAVE – Hoping to increase its relevance in the global jihad against Western imperialism, al-Qaeda has begun to expand the range of activities for which its willing to claim responsibility to more unconventional events.
“Suicide bombings are so 2001. Any schmuck with a few pounds of nitroglycerin and an old pickup truck can claim responsibility for blowing up a security checkpoint, and all he’ll get for his trouble is 10 seconds of fame on the CNN news ticker,” said Chris Bronte, a marketing consultant hired by al-Qaeda to extend the terror organization’s reach. “If you want to turn heads in today’s global marketplace, you’ve gotta diversify your portfolio. ‘Al-Qaeda claims responsibility for blast’ is old hat. But ‘Al-Qaeda claims responsibility for missing kitten’? Now you’ve got the room’s attention.”
Since implementing the daring new strategy earlier this month, al-Qaeda has claimed responsibility for more than 50 flat tires, at least 730 divorces, and Mumford and Son’s Grammy for Album of the Year. But in a move that baffled security analysts, the new PR campaign deliberately attributed the al-Qaeda brand to positive events as well, including several days of unseasonably warm weather in the American Midwest and the much-anticipated season premiere of NBC’s Community.
Explained Bronte, “Who says you can’t kill ‘em with kindness before you, well, actually kill them?”
Overall, the ambitious marketing push has been hailed as a rousing success. “We haven’t trended this hard on Twitter since the 2009 underwear bomber fiasco,” said al-Qaeda spokesman Ahmed Saif Zubaydah before shouting something about the annihilation of Judeo-Christian heresy and hanging up the phone.
