Apparently Pro-Cancer Student Planning To Skip Relay For Life

WEST QUAD – Despite receiving numerous reminders to register as a volunteer for his floor’s Relay for Life team, LSA junior Sam Ogland has still not done so because, apparently, he enjoys living in a world where cancer wins.

This year’s Relay for Life event will be held on April 20th. Ogland has made it manifestly clear through his actions and choices that he is simply too much of a cold-hearted villain to participate in the cancer research fundraiser. Ogland appeared unfazed by the sobering fact that millions of people will suffer and die from cancer each year without his help.

Ogland claims that his studies and extracurricular obligations are preventing him from signing up right now. Reportedly, he feels that he “simply has a lot on his plate,” – certainly not more than a bed-ridden chemo patient ravaged by an ungodly disease – but “definitely a lot of stuff to do right now.

“I’m in a couple other clubs that take up a lot of time and I really just want to focus my energy on those obligations,” said Ogland, seemingly unaware of how much of a completely selfish prick he was proving himself to be.

Sources confirmed that Ogland would be wise to enjoy himself in those extracurricular activities, then, and hope that he will never have to face the mortal fear that most cancer patients wake to each and every morning.

Apparently, Ogland also has an exam the day after the Relay. “I’d really prefer not to sign up now and then have to back out at the last minute because of the test,” he said. In many ways, such an attitude is similar to that of current cancer patients who vacillate about life choices due to the fact that they very likely to perish in the near future.

At press time, it has yet to be determined how exactly Ogland, the worthless piece of shit that he is, manages to wake up and look himself in the mirror every morning.

Originally published: February 2013

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