COLUMBUS, Ohio – According to sources inside the huddle, 2013 Ohio State Heisman hopeful Braxton Miller has recently been seen at local bars approaching girls with pasty skin and short-to-no hair. Miller’s teammates report that this new behavior does not surprise them, as it is merely further evidence of the star quarterback’s “undying selflessness and empathy.”
“Braxton’s great,” said O.S.U. running back Carlos Hyde. “I mean, he talks to ugly girls and shit. That means he should win the Heisman, you know.”
When asked to comment on the shift in his romantic interests, Miller responded, “Yeah man, I just like talking to those girls because they’re sad because they’re dying so I listen to them breathe on the phone and stuff.”
After identifying a girl who interests him, Miller offers her a romantic ride in a 2009 Toyota Corolla chauffeured by his thirteen year-old cousin. Miller plans the romantic ride for 2 a.m., right after the bars close in Columbus, because “the town is really beautiful at night, so yeah,” according to the quarterback.
“I found it extremely touching that Braxton offers to spend time with me like that,” said Rachel Chang, an O.S.U. sophomore with stage II lymphoma. “My weekends used to be pretty lonely because I get chemo on Fridays, but Braxton is always offering to stay on the phone with me all night. Sometimes I think I wake up to the sound of him having sex on the other end, but those must just be the strange dreams I have.”
“And the car rides with the football guys are great,” continued Chang, “but it does stink that Braxton is always busy when his four-foot-five friend offers to drive me around. Also, it’s a little weird how the driver wears a football helmet in the car and goes really slowly through intersections.”
Braxton Miller was also briefly interested in dating men who sounded like women, but after reading the latest developments on ESPN.com, he isn’t quite sure any more, about anything. He looks to be in a committed relationship by Opening Day, when the Buckeyes play the University of Buffalo.
