HILL DINING CENTER – Sources confirmed recently that part-time dining hall employee LSA junior Shawn Kramer is “100 percent head-over-heels absolutely overjoyed to serve you this fine evening.”
Kramer, a molecular biology major with a minor in Spanish, reportedly experiences “an unmitigated surge of pure fucking bliss” upon seeing you approach his station at the sandwich counter. “I could be doing WeBWorK, studying for an exam, or calling my parents to tell them how much I love them right now,” Kramer said. “But I just couldn’t pass off this opportunity to stand here and haphazardly slap processed turkey, unripe tomatoes, fake cheese, iceberg lettuce, and just the right amount of mayonnaise between two fucking slices of whole wheat bread for nine dollars per hour.”
“Gets me giddy just thinking about it,” Kramer added.
As part-time food-service employee, Kramer is aware that most of his coworkers are “just in it for the money.”
“But,” Kramer continued, “seeing that criticizing look in your eyes when I only give you four slices of turkey instead of five – that really makes it worth my fucking while,” Kramer continued.
Reportedly, Kramer’s work-study award allows him to receive up to $5000 per semester from the University. Kramer confirmed that if he only worked 55 hours per week, he could meet this allotment easily. “The only issue is that if I actually worked full-time serving cold cuts to underclassmen, I’d worry about having enough energy to make your sandwich to the absolute best of my college-fucking-educated abilities.”
“I suppose it’s true that I’m completely overqualified to spend half my waking life working in food service,” Kramer confirmed. He is also, reportedly, aware that some of his co-workers fall prey to the “negative mindset” endemic to talented, young students forced to spend long stretches of time refilling buckets of ranch dressing and cleaning up shards of dropped ceramic plates.
“But,” Kramer added, “the absolutely breathtaking rush of euphoria I get from shoving that extra-special scoop of powdered mashed potatoes on your plate? Makes it all worth it.”
At press time, Kramer apologized for having to move on to the next customer, after beseeching you once more to “enjoy your goddamn meal.”
Originally Published: January 2013
