Floridian Student Unable To Distinguish Seasonal Depression From Dying

NETHERWORLD BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH – Sources reported yesterday afternoon that LSA sophomore Brittany DeMaio, who hails from Tampa Bay and suffers from the depressive symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is unable to distinguish between this condition and actually dying. DeMaio has not left her bed in over a week, as nearly two decades of blissful living in low-60 degree sunny weather has rendered her seemingly unable to cope with a common and temporary form of the mid-winter blues.

“Am I dying?” DeMaio moaned to reporters following her fifteenth consecutive viewing of 10 Things I Hate About You. Doctors on hand were quick to reassure DeMaio that no, she is not dying, but is simply feeling a little sad because she is not used to the enduring absence of true sunlight and the ability to sunbathe. Upon hearing this diagnosis, DeMaio replied, “But what is ‘sad’?”

Several students around campus have rallied to show support and understanding for DeMaio. They have lined up outside her house in Kerrytown in an attempt to explain that she is not actually experiencing the absolute and irreversible end of her own life. At a recent round-table discussion in DeMaio’s bedroom, Architecture senior Milton Fletke pointed out that “you [Brittany], are not dying, but are simply a little depressed, not a lot, but a little, because you’re cold and the skies are a little grey, and all the plants are gone and won’t be back for a while. Everyone goes through it once in a while.”

DeMaio responded with Joseph Henry Green’s famous last words, “It has stopped,” before slumping headfirst into a melted bowl of Ben and Jerry’s.

Originally published: February 2013

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