According to government insiders, the Obama administration’s increasingly hawkish stance towards Iran in recent months has come mainly as a result of President Obama’s “childish desire” to make friends with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi Gun” Netanyahu.
The roots of this relationship can be traced as far back as a June 2009 joint press conference in the White House Rose Garden. While posing for photographers, Netanyahu memorably wrapped his arm around the President’s neck and proceeded to give Obama a vigorous “noogie.” When the President appeared visibly flustered after the incident, Netanyahu told him to “stop being such a pussy and shake it off.”
However, Netanyahu extended an olive branch to Obama in January 2011 when he reportedly offered to let the President sit at his U.N. lunch table under the condition that Obama prank call Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an outspoken critic of Israel. According to the transcript of that conversation, Obama began by asking Ahmadinejad whether his refrigerator was running before shouting, “No? Well that’s probably because our draconian sanctions make it so you can’t afford electricity and thousands of your children die of malnourishment!”
Relations between Israel and the U.S. continued to improve in the months thereafter, with Netanyahu acting visibly sunnier toward Obama, even inviting the President to his exclusive Tel Aviv health club without so much as once snapping a towel at or making derisive comments about the President’s genitalia.
Now the two leaders are reportedly closer than ever after Obama submitted to Netanyahu’s ultimate test of friendship: authorizing a series of airstrikes on Iranian nuclear enrichment facilities.
When asked how he could possibly justify such actions given that no U.S. interests are at risk and the strike will likely draw the U.S. into another costly war in the Persian Gulf, President Obama responded, “You jerks don’t understand. Bibi and I are best friends. We’d do anything for each other.
“Besides, the state of Israel is strategically important to the United States’ geopolitical interests in Western Levant Region of the eastern Mediterranean.”