JOHANNESBURG CITY PRISON, HANDICAP BLOCK – Oscar Pistorius, the first athlete without legs to compete in the Olympic Games, also became the first athlete without legs to brutally murder his girlfriend early Thursday morning.
In a feat many have described as “nothing short of extraordinary,” Pistorius recorded the first sub-4.2-second bed-to-bathroom-sprint-with-pistol-in-hand. His achievement is an inspiration to all the world’s handicapped citizens, as Pistorius’s time shattered O.J. Simpson’s previous 4.6 record in the Ron-Goldman-to-Nicole-Brown-Simpson dash. A video of Pistorius sprinting around the kitchen table while loading his 9mm pistol and simultaneously avoiding his cat, all while using his prosthetic leg blades, is currently enjoying an eight-day stretch as SportsCenter’s “Best of the Best.”
Pistorius’s neighbors were quick to comment on the no-legged-wonder’s pioneering achievement. “Oscar never fails to amaze me. He’s always shattered barriers, but the door separating his pistol from his target’s face and upper torso was an especially significant one,” said Daniel van der Meer, who broke the news of Pistorius’s “shot heard ‘round the world” to both the international sporting community and the South African Police Service.
Pistorius’s stunning performance is especially inspiring to Jonathan Palko, an 11-year-old boy from Houston who was born without arms.
“Throughout my whole life, people have been telling me that I’ll never be able to murder anyone,” Palko said to reporters yesterday, while menacingly sharpening his hooks against one another. “Thanks to Oscar, I know that, as long as I try my hardest, I can grow up to end just as many lives as a fully-abled person.”
Reaction from some quarters has been less positive, however. “Those leg blades gave Pistorius an unfair advantage,” said John Handler, the director of the Organization for Equality in Murder and Other Sports. “I’m pretty sure those spring-feet he has give him a faster burst out of the starting blocks when he’s committing murder in the first degree. Real athlete-murderers don’t use leg blades.”
Sadly, many people failed to grasp the enormity of Pistorius’s historic undertaking. “Oscar Pistorius is a murderer and an evil man,” said June Steenkamp, the mother of the woman who made his great accomplishment possible.
According to the International Olympic Committee, Pistorius’s record-breaking four-bullet performance in the Bathroom Heat qualifies him for additional events at the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. According to jailhouse sources, Pistorius is looking forward to competing in pommel-girlfriend, extreme home protection, and wrestling.
Originally published: February 2013
