Friends and family members of LSA junior Malcolm Astin are growing concerned over his increasingly hopeful attitude towards a University-sponsored speed-dating event, which he is futilely attempting to disguise with generous amounts of sarcasm.
“I just don’t get what the big deal is. I saw the flyer and thought it would be good for a laugh so my buddy and I signed up for it. We’re probably just gonna go and make fun of it,” Astin said.
The event, which consists of a series of five-minute dates with the preferred gender until the allotted two hours are up, will be held in roughly a week and a half, although Astin has already begun carefully selecting his outfit and cologne for the aforementioned night.
“I mean, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. I might as well do something, you know? And it’s not like I’m expecting to randomly find like some perfect girl who makes me feel truly alive for the first time in my short life. Jesus, as if,” Astin said, while trying to decide which side his hair looks best parted on.
To further the illusion, Astin also intends to head to a drug store in the near future to pick up condoms.
“The rubbers are really just more of a prop than anything,” Astin insisted. “Can you imagine if I was actually planning on sweeping a beautiful girl off her feet, bringing her back to my apartment, and engaging in a passionate lovemaking session so intense that we could swear that not only were our loins connected, but also our souls?” Astin continued, rolling his eyes.
“You know, the sad thing is there’s probably people who go there actually hoping in the back of their mind that they’ll find some 5’2”–5’6”, slender but not skinny, intelligent, brunette girl who’s really into the environment and animal rescue who they can hit it off with, eventually bring home to introduce to their family and knock off those pesky gay rumors, and maybe even spend their golden years with, being fully content in the knowledge that they’ve found the person who truly completes them. Man, how pathetic is that?” Astin scoffed.
At press time, Astin was seen drying off his sweaty palms on the back of his jeans and practicing a coy, yet approachable, smile in his bathroom mirror.
Originally published: January 2013
