Amid eerie noises and creaking floorboards, the spectre of Ronald Reagan transcended the limits of life and death on Tuesday as his floating translucent figure appeared in front of Congressional Republicans to encourage them to revamp their political strategy. The GOP has mourned the loss of President Reagan since his death in 2004 and has increasingly canonized him as the shining example of the strong, conservative leader that they believe our country needs.
“Men, I am flattered by your continued admiration of me, but I’m not so sure you even get what I was all about. When I hear some of you saying how much I would love your radically conservative legislation proposals, I almost cringe,” said Reagan’s ghostly phantasm.
“It’s like you’re completely forgetting how my diversified views made me, overall, a pretty moderate champion of the people. Sure, I believed in supply-side economics, but I was also a proponent of unions. I favored lower tax rates for the wealthy, but during my stint as governor of California, I also signed the third-highest tax increase in U.S. history. For God’s sake, I even publicly went on the record stating that I voted for FDR all four times,” a shimmering, silvery Reagan said.
Before disappearing in a blinding flash of white light to return to the afterlife, President Reagan encouraged Republicans to choose a candidate who appeals to a wider demographic than its current leadership. “My main problem is that you guys seem to be stuck in the past. It’s evident that American politics are becoming more and more diverse and socially moderate,” said a spooky, haunting Reagan.
“As such, you might want to pick someone who breaks the mold a little bit. Someone like Marco Rubio or Condoleezza Rice. Or even just someone who doesn’t completely isolate anyone making less than $250,000 a year,” added Reagan, now just a booming disembodied voice.
While the transition will no doubt be difficult, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agrees that ghost- Reagan’s advice has merit. “No matter what happens, we will never forget President Reagan,” McConnell said. “But he was right, we need to be strong and put ourselves out there. There are a lot of fish in the rich, white, anti-regulation sea.”
At press time, reports that Reagan was summoned after Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senator Marco Rubio went into the bathroom together, turned off the lights, and chanted “Ronald Reagan” three times in front of the mirror were unconfirmed.
Originally published: March 2013
