Here Is an Article that Offends No One

Here at the Every Three Weekly, we often receive complaints about our treatment of certain contentious issues. In response to concerns that this newspaper’s content may be troubling to some, we are happy to announce that we will soon begin printing more articles that will in no way push any envelopes, investigate social issues, or make you think deeply about things. We hope you enjoy this masterfully-written piece that illustrates what we think this paper can be at its very finest.

NOWHERE SPECIFIC – Sources reported earlier this week that incidents of [REDACTED] have increased dramatically across campus, causing outbreaks of mass [REDACTED] among University [REDACTED]. Given the [REDACTED] information that has been made public, countless students have expressed frustration over what has been labeled a “[REDACTED],” a “[REDACTED],” and a “[REDACTED REDACTED].”

“This is an [REDACTED],” yelled LSA senior [REDACTED] [REDACTED], “Young [REDACTED]s are getting [REDACTED] across the [REDACTED] and nobody is doing anything to [REDACTED] it. I haven’t felt this [REDACTED] since [DOUBLE REDACTED] with a unicycle.”

In order to [REDACTED] the growing [REDACTED] of anger, Ann Arbor [REDACTED], [REDACTED] [REDACTED C-C-COMBO BREAKER], released this statement: “[STATEMENT REDACTED]”

However, in response to intense public outcry, local authorities quickly [REDACTED] the redacted redaction.

In other news, [REDACTED] include A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes [REDACTED], while the [REDACTED ALL-ENCOMPASSING ADJECTIVE] [REDACTED INTEGER BETWEEN TWO AND FOUR] [REDACTED WORD THAT RHYMES WITH ‘MEEKLY’] endorses rigid social hierarchies, bestiality, white supremacy, suppression of gay rights, assassinations, and race-baiting.

Originally published: March 2013

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