ROMULUS, Mich. – Volunteer firefighter Shane Osgood reports that his fledgling relationship with local typist Lindsay Chancellor has been “absolutely perfect” despite her numerous aggressive tendencies. Since their relationship began last month, Chancellor has displayed controlling behaviors and extreme reactions to him leaving her presence, characteristics that Osgood has labeled “charming little quirks.”
According to Osgood, his new partner’s tendency to wait for him outside his place of business without his knowledge is nothing less than “absolutely adorable.”
“I mean, I can’t believe that she’s already memorized my work schedule,” he said. “It makes me feel like a terrible boyfriend for forgetting when her parole hearings and court-mandated therapy sessions are.”
However, Osgood’s roommates have repeatedly voiced concerns after discovering Chancellor roosted in the tree outside Osgood’s window on multiple occasions. Osgood contends, however, that his friends are overreacting.
“Romulus is not as safe as it use to be, so it makes me feel secure that she’s there looking after me every night,” he said.
Osgood noted that some of his friends certainly have the “wrong impression” of his new girlfriend, but urged them to focus more on “her undying dedication” to him.
“I mean, have you seen this doll Lindsay made of me?” Osgood asked, holding up what seemed to be a voodoo doll in his likeness that someone had repeatedly stabbed with a variety of objects. “The time she puts into handmade gifts like this really shows how much she cares about me.”
Overall, Osgood insists that he “couldn’t be happier” with Chancellor and that he could see himself with her “until the day [he] die[s].”
“You know, some girls say they like the feeling of putting on their boyfriends’ sweatshirts, but Lindsay has repeatedly told me that she wants to wear my skin,” he said. “How sweet is that?”