‘Mysterious Malady Killing Off Bees,’ Rejoice Nation’s Pussies

OUTSIDE – Recent reports of widespread honeybee colony collapses were met with jubilant celebrations among the nation’s apiphobes, sissies, and all-around wimps, who view the demise of honeybee populations as liberation from the constant threat of being attacked by an animal they could easily kill with a rolled-up newspaper should they ever muster the courage.

“Fuck bees,” said noted coward Mike Harding. “Who gives a shit about pollination? I’m not a flower.”

The decline in honeybees this year means the odds of getting stung are much lower, as is the likelihood of having to dance around like a pansy jackass when frantically trying to shake a bee off of one’s clothing. According to scientists, these are the two main contributing factors to the projected astronomical increase in the populations of candy-ass motherfuckers at picnics and barbecues across the nation this summer.

Explained ecologist Sarah Harper, “As the overall likelihood of a receiving a bee sting diminishes, members of the subspecies Homo sapiens pussiensus will be more readily drawn out of their winter dwellings, allowing them to reunite – and perhaps even copulate – with more dauntless humans. Of course, a realization of the presence of countless other inane natural threats, such as ants, snakes, or even frisky lapdogs, could drive them back inside.”

For some, true relief will not come until the bee threat ceases entirely. Anna Mendez, who has suffered her entire life from an irrational fear of bees – as well as related fears of gardening, Georgia Tech paraphernalia, and Honey Nut Cheerios – is a staunch advocate for the eradication of bees and other winged menaces.

“So, they’re saying farming pesticides might be the leading cause of the die-off?” said Mendez while nervously glancing around the room for buzzing insects. “That’s interesting. Do you happen to know where I can buy – I don’t know – several thousand gallons of that stuff?”

At press time, researchers were scrambling to see if whatever was killing the honeybees could be applied to wasps because seriously, wasps are fucking terrifying.

Originally published: April 2013

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