ARLINGTON, Tex. – Tony Romo, who recently signed a six-year, $108-million contract extension with the Dallas Cowboys, is now the best-compensated most awful quarterback in the history of the NFL, according to league sources.
Romo, who has inexplicably appeared on the field for the Cowboys for the past nine seasons, is often lauded as the most outstanding player just terrible enough to have won only a single playoff game in his entire career. With the contract extension, the player that North Texas loves to hate to love hopes to set an NFC record for Most Times Photographed While Sheepishly Smiling Following a Terrible Heartbreaking Loss.
“I am truly honored to be returning to the Cowboys’ family,” said a smiling Romo. “I appreciate the continued faith that [team owner, general manager and professional Skeletor impersonator] Jerry Jones has placed in me, despite the fact the number of interceptions I threw last season exceeds my IQ.
“I’m really excited to bring all our fans that single playoff win I know we may deserve some time in the next five to six years,” he added.
With the contract extension, Romo joins an elite class of NFL stars past and present, including Ryan Leaf, the most-highly-drafted worst quarterback in NFL history, Leon Lett, the Cowboys’ former best-worst player, and Dan Orlovsky, the Detroit Lions quarterback who will be forever remembered for scoring a safety on himself.
“Re-signing Tony was a slam dunk,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. “It’s not every day that you can give a nine-figure contract extension to an undrafted player who spent his first two NFL seasons as a holder, especially one who is known for committing one of the worst holding blunders of all time. But Tony is a special player. At least that’s what the team psychologists keep telling me.
“We here at the Cowboys organization are looking forward to sticking with Tony for a long time,” Jones added, “regardless of whether there’s about a dozen other guys who are more qualified for the position.”
Reportedly, $40 million of the contract is guaranteed, with the remainder contingent upon Romo continuing to facilitate mid-season skids, miss the playoffs year after year, and embarrass himself and his teammates on national television. Also, Romo will receive a $5-million bonus if the team exceeds all expectations and remains incredibly mediocre for the next one to two decades.
In related news, San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers recently shocked the world by becoming the first professional football player to publicly come out as terrible.
