A Preemptive Apology

Hello America. In the wake of the uproar over Philadelphia receiver Riley Cooper’s videotaped use of the n-word at an outdoor music event, I feel it is only appropriate for me, Heisman-winner and generally beloved guy, Johnny Football, to apologize for any and all racial slurs I will likely utter at future Kenny Chesney concerts.

My actions will be reprehensible, and they should in no way be seen as a reflection of my personal attitudes, those of my family, or those of the Texas A&M football community. I will voluntarily enroll myself in a treatment program, and I will go to great lengths to mend fences with my African American teammates.

Yes, my actions will be foolish, (though not quite as bad as what I will say at Toby Keith concerts). But it is my sincere hope that we can look past a moment’s indiscretion and allow me to return to doing what I do best: drinking. And violating NCAA regulations. And cavorting with loose women. And Instagramming photographs of my Heisman Trophy holding a blunt in its outstretched arm. And, oh yeah, being really awesome at playing football.

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