‘The Freshman Roommate Experience Is Essential,’ Report People Who Like Sleeping Next To Complete Strangers

In a written statement released Monday afternoon, the American Society of Sickos who Enjoy Living with Strangers (ASSELS) reiterated their support of the “traditional” freshman residential experience.

“We believe that the institution of roommates can only legitimately be defined as the union of one Computer Science Major from Taiwan and one high school quarterback from Grosse Pointe,” read the statement, which was signed by notable ASSELS including your parents, orientation leader, and high school guidance counselor.

“Furthermore, we ASSELS staunchly believe that to allow young men and women to choose the partner with whom they will share a $1,000-a-month shoebox in Bursley is highly unnatural and would mark a wrong turn for University society.”

A recent poll of incoming freshmen (97% of whom will be living on campus, mostly with random roommates) indicates that, by and large, they too relish the experience of sleeping next to, changing in front of, and pretending not to smell the body odors of complete strangers. Though with 57% of students surveyed considering themselves “open-minded” toward domestic partnerships between two people who “don’t really know each other, but one is really good friends with the other’s cousin so it seems like a relatively safe bet,” the study also indicated that a certain threshold of residential progressivism exists within the Class of 2017.

Originally published: September 2013

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