Educational experts have confirmed that renaming Ohio State University as The Ohio State University in an attempt to increase the status of the school has so far been successful, garnering an estimated 10 percent more respect within the academic community.
“We’re thrilled with the results so far,” said acting president Joseph A. Alutto. “We were struggling with our image as an educational institution for a while. We considered diverting more funding towards academic programs and hiring better professors, but ultimately decided that adding ‘The’ to the title would be simpler and more cost-effective.”
The augmented reputation of The Ohio State University has had an effect on the student body as well.
“It feels good to be taken seriously,” said OSU senior Matt McKeon. “OSU students can now feel a little less pathetic when trying to pretend that we attend a school of equal academic quality to that of our rivals.”
A heightened sense of already inflated self-worth seemed to be a common reaction among OSU students.
“Finally, some validation that we’re better than those fuck ups from Ohio University,” said OSU junior Francine Sugarman. “Those jokers don’t even have ‘The’ in their school’s official title, can you believe it?”
Hoping to maintain their momentum, The Ohio State University is considering additional steps to continue improving their public image, such as mandating classroom discussion be carried out in a British accent, encouraging students to raise a pinky when drinking from a Solo cup, and requiring Brutus the Buckeye to wear a small bowtie at each home game.
At press time, the regents of Michigan were discussing following OSU’s lead and renaming the ‘U’ to The Official University of Michigan, Not the One in East Lansing Don’t Worry, It’s The Good One, or TOUMNOELDWITGO for short.
Originally published: Oct 2013
