WASHINGTON — In hoping to soothe the shaken American psyche following the recent government shutdown, President Obama held a press conference Wednesday to defend comments he made earlier in the week and make the case for American mediocrity.
“Some around the world today may point at America and see an aging superpower struggling to come to grips with it lessening geopolitical influence in an increasingly competitive and hostile world, and they would have a point. But to those that are so quick to write off the United States, I say wait a minute. That’s not fair, we are a nation that is ranked somewhat highly in many international polls. Are we number one? No, but we aren’t last either. I think we are something like, 31st in math, 23rd in science and 17th in reading.”
“I’d say we are doing pretty all right, I mean considering that half of our youth are raised on MTV and Pizza Pockets.”
Obama became incensed later after aggressive questioning about earlier statements he made that some on the right have seen as apologizing for American Averageness.
“Now hold up, I don’t know where this is coming from. Just the other day I had an ambassador over and he was saying we build second-rate bridges here in America. I didn’t stand for that. Corrected the man on the spot. And can I also point out that our bridges rarely collapse, when was our last bridge collapse? 2009? See, I mean we might have a crumbling infrastructure but at least scores of bridges aren’t collapsing all over the place. That’s good old fashioned American Durability right there.”
“I mean, you all aren’t the only one’s disappointed with America’s place in the world,” said President Obama, during a surprisingly candid and insular portion of his remarks, “I come into office expecting to be one of the most influential men in the world, leading the most powerful country in the world. Instead I’m given an economically lethargic, governmentally incompetent nation with you shiny turds for citizens.”
“Honestly, my fellow citizens, fuck you. You could at least make it look like you’re trying. Run up some credit card debt and get this economy moving! Feign some interest in your kids’ schoolwork and keep them from dropping out! Put some shitty magnetic American flags on your car! Anything, please! You have no idea how fucking smug Putin can be.”
Originally published: Oct 2013