President Coleman Spins Cube Backwards, Opens Cosmic Sinkhole

CORNER OF MAYNARD AND THE SIXTH DIMENSION — This morning University President Mary Sue Coleman, on her traditional walk to work, accidentally spun the cube in a counter-clockwise direction, opening a portal to a dimension of unfathomable madness.

Despite her empty eye sockets which were seen to be leaking blood, Coleman had little problem making her way to the podium for her morning address to the student body. The President decided to forgo her prepared remarks, however, instead mentioning, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu Mic’hi gahn wgah’ Newc’a stle fhtagn!” After finishing her speech, Coleman promptly collapsed into a fetal position, incoherently mumbling about the inevitable doom of humanity. Coleman was then transported to the University Hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.

In the hours since the portal has opened, dozens of Outer Gods have arrived to wreak havoc upon humanity. Many were seen gorging on hapless students in the Diag or leveling buildings with their powerful tentacles. Despite the rising body count, student life president E. Royster Harper says there is nothing to fear. “I am here to assure the student body that, as long as we all obey the all-seeing eye of lord Azathoth, these demonic beings do not present any real threat,” she said as the mortal flesh bubbled off of her bones.

The university has issued a statement to parents promising to reimburse tuition if their child is mercilessly devoured by a horror from beyond.

Originally published: Oct 2013

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