DISHEVELED WALK-UP APARTMENT, NEW YORK—Lydia Hollan, a thirty-six year old single resident of Brooklyn, is reportedly “so overjoyed” at the news of her younger sister’s engagement to a Californian adventure capitalist.
“I couldn’t be happier for my baby sister Lillian,” said Hollan during an interview at her apartment last Tuesday. “She definitely deserved to find happiness after all the effort and money she put into going out instead of going to college,” the proud older sibling continued while meaningfully stabbing air holes into her single-serving microwave dinner.
When asked about how it feels to have her little sister get married before her, Hollan repeatedly denied any possibility of jealousy. “I’m in a great place right now,” the single New Yorker said. “I grew up in a small town and was sure that I would find someone in the big city who appreciated my intelligence and didn’t just want to come over after senior prom so they could see if Lillian was home,” Hollan claimed through clenched teeth.
“Just haven’t met him yet!” she added, pushing thick, wire-rimmed glasses up her shiny nose. “I guess everyone here in New York is just as focused on waist-to-hip ratio and eczema-free skin as the Elmira football team.”
Unfortunately, Hollan confided that she will be unable to attend her sister’s wedding next fall in Palo Alto for financial reasons and a previous engagement with a car and a closed garage.
Originally published: Oct 2013