Nation Now Aware of Breast Cancer Unsure What to Do Next

A new survey published by the National Breast Cancer Foundation found that thanks to countless breast cancer awareness months and nationwide pink ribbon campaigns, 99 percent of Americans are now aware of breast cancer. While the NBCF celebrates a record high level of awareness, administrators admit that they’re not quite sure what the next step in the fight against cancer is.

“Well the good news is that now almost everybody knows that breast cancer is a thing that exists, so we’ve got that going for us,” NBCF founder Janelle Hail said. “But where do we go from here? I don’t know. Is there a cure for it? Can we start giving that out to people? There isn’t? Shit.”

“It would have been nice if they would’ve thought a little further in advance,” Voiced recent bed-ridden, dead-eyed cancer patient, Kelley Stevenson. “I guess it’s great that now everybody knows about the disease I have, but I’m still kind of left hanging.”

When confronted with these concerns, spokesman for the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Christopher Morgan claimed, “We don’t really like to get into all that messy science business. It was always more about the awareness aspect of the disease for us.”

When asked whether or not the NBCF had any intentions of actually contributing to cancer research Morgan stated, “For now our focus is on reaching that last 1 percent. We’ve still got a long road ahead of us, but who knows? The person who finally finds the cure to unawareness could be alive right now.”

Originally published Nov 2013

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