At the request of campus groups advocating for safer sex practices, select residence hall vending machines were recently stocked with a variety of generic-brand condoms. However according to students, the real problem is not unsafe sex practices, but rather a persistent lack of sex altogether.
“Honestly, I’m sick of those things reminding me of my desert-dry dick every time I go downstairs to snatch a pack Sun Chips,” said LSA sophomore Carl Williams. A current resident of West Quad’s Chicago House, Williams insisted that the presence of condoms in the machines only served as a painful reminder of his consummate failure trying to bed a lady all semester.
“Look. Not everybody’s Van Wilder,” Williams continued. “Not everybody can be the Ron Jeremy of West Quad. I get it! I know! But before gutting the entire middle row of Altoids and cinnamon buns, they really should have considered what it’s like for a dude like me to spend all night watching American Dad reruns by myself.”
Similar complaints were voiced in response to the many safe-sex information pamphlets distributed across campus.
“Don’t worry, Michigan. My hand and I are playing it real safe,” said Engineering senior
Rob MacMillan. Don’t want to take any chances. God knows I have got no earthly idea where my dick has been in the past––shit, what is it?––like fourteen months? And while you’re at it: maybe give me some tips on how to woo a bunch of cold prudes instead!”
MacMillan, who actively avoids glancing at the small foil packets—conveniently placed at eye level—is in the process of filing a formal petition to have the condoms removed from the vending machines, specifically the one near his room.
“All I have to look forward to at the end of the night is a Snickers bar or some blue raspberry Pop Tarts. I am well aware that there is nothing more than a cold, empty bed waiting for me in my room. You don’t have to rub it in by reminding me where to get a sterile, plastic cock- sleeve in case the impossible happens. I mean, Jesus, just let me have my few moments of sugar- induced satisfaction without subjecting me to the psychological onslaught of misbegotten opportunities. Please.”
As of press time, MacMillan had, in fact, purchased one condom using his Blue Bucks allotment because, you know, just in case.
