Tea Party Still Favorable Among Female Constituents Aged 3 To 8

According to a recent poll released by the Heritage Foundation, the Tea Party has held a near constant base of support amongst young women and effeminate “nancy” boys despite plummeting Congressional approval ratings following last month’s government shutdown.

The conservative group’s approval rating among girls aged 3 to 8 has held steady since their 2009 establishment, with 91% of sector responding to Tea Party declarations with written support of “hooray!” and “wheeee!”.

Republicans, therefore, have begun to shift their focus to catering to the demographic which may prove to be their strongest base of support in the next decade.

“We know that the American people are growing tired of the traditional Republican mantra,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “For that reason, we’re turning a new leaf and beginning to focus on pleasing what the majority of our American supporters hold dear—which is apparently stuffed animals, cookies, and party dresses.”

The demographic group, nicknamed “Tea Tots” and “Pre-K conservatives” by cable news pundits, appears to be generally conservative, but is sharply divided among certain issues, such as foreign policy. Meghan, age 3, said she wanted a president who “fights all da bad guys,” indicating a desire for a strong national defense. Meanwhile, Katie, age 5, supported a diplomacy based foreign policy, noting “my mommy says to use my words when I get mad.”

Cruz has been sighted at preschools, dance recitals and Girl Scout meetings throughout Iowa and New Hampshire.

Moderate Republicans have also taken steps to appeal to these Pre-K Conservatives. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie won his second term a landslide after appointing stuffed bear and legal scholar Professor Snuggles to the New Jersey Supreme Court.

“Government is like a mean old babysitter who keeps trying to make you go to bed, even when you don’t want to,” said Cruz to several Tea Tots, during an impromptu playdate in Ames, Iowa. “But next election, I need you to go to the polls and tell your babysitters in Washington, ‘No! I don’t wanna go to bed!’”

Originally published Nov 2013

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