According to various sources within the world’s most powerful state, the United States Government has been operating since 1945 with the sole goal of fucking with us.
“I was appalled that the city of Detroit would cut retiree compensation,” commented retired city worker Dale Summers. “I put in 35 years of honest hard work, so it was total bullshit when I heard that my pension was being cut. But when the government announced that its sole purpose was to give us false hopes before pulling the rug out from under us, suffice it to say I had a good laugh.”
White House Spokesperson Dan Gilbert made the revelation during Thursday night’s press conference after reporters became increasingly curious as to how the $3 trillion a year behemoth could so massively fuck-up united healthcare, illegal surveillance, Hurricane Katrina, and much, much more.
New Orleans school-teacher Richard Taylor, who lost three relatives and all his possessions in the days after Hurricane Katrina broke through levies despite the Army Corp of Engineers’ explicit assurances that they would hold said that he didn’t think the government had a sense of humor, but that “they really got us with this one. Now that I know all government actions are meant to be ironic, it all makes sense.”
In light of the controversy, Obama has recently published a press announcement.
“Now let me be clear,” the transcript read. “When I told Americans that they could absolutely keep their health insurance despite the new law, I was biting my lip the whole time to stop myself from cracking up.” The speech goes on to inform the American people that we all “really should have seen the look on [our] faces” when that promise turned out to be untrue.
Sources confirmed that in addition to domestic policy, US military operations are also intended to be satirizations of how an evil, ethnocentric nation would treat its fellow nations. At press time, 8-yearold Pakistani double amputee and drone strike victim Bilal Ghazini was having a hearty laugh after realizing that the US was just pulling his leg the whole time.
Originally published Dec. 2013
