Local 18-Year-Old Weighing Benefits Of $200,000 In Student Loan Debt vs. Possibly Getting Shot In Afghanistan

High school senior Jacob Peterson recently received early admission to a private university, a development that has made his decision on how to finance four years’ tuition. Peterson, as a member of the socio-economic underclass, he enjoys the choice of joining the military or selling his soul to student loan companies.

Peterson admits he is having a hard time deciding between the two, “The prospect of attending a four-year university and the incurring hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt is appealing, considering many of my friends will be undergoing the same experience.” Said Peterson, “The second option holds a promise a loan shark cannot match. I mean if I get shot in a desert somewhere, I’ll be a total hero. Sure I’ll miss out on fitting in with my friends who chose the lifelong debt option instead of losing a limb, but think of how cool I’ll seem once I finally get an honorable discharge, even though I’ll have to attend college for free.”

Peterson admits he is having trouble with the decision, but is aware he is fortunate to have so many opportunities. “Like when my parents went to college, everyone just like, went, or they got drafted and died in some jungle in Vietnam,” Peterson explains. “No one had time to worry about the longterm consequences of their actions. When my dad signed up for the marines I’m sure the last thing he was thinking was about how he would never again be able sleep through the night without waking up in a dead sweat screaming for no apparent reason.”

Thinking even further ahead, Peterson mentioned a few other ways he was excited to be exploited for his own perceived self benefit. “Its great, all of the options that are now socially acceptable for college graduates; unpaid internships for years on end, joining a volunteer organization where food and housing are paid for, and returning home to live with parents. While these options were formerly considered a sign of failure, now students are able to choose from a wide array of choices and still not be complete embarrassments to their families.

“The world is my oyster,” Peterson grins. He then continues to draw tattoo designs to go around his future bullet wound.


Originally published Dec 2013.

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