Report: Hatcher Library Urinals Way, Way Too Close Together

Closest urinals in the tri-county area, if you’re into that kind of thing.

In a statement recently released by the University, LSA sophomore Ted Shuart concluded that the urinals located in all of the Hatcher Graduate Library South Stacks Library are “way too fucking close together.”

Shuart mentioned in his assessment that no other side-by-side urinals located in any other bathroom on campus are distanced by such an unnecessarily small gap. An avid patron of the University bathrooms, Shuart determined that Hatcher was definitely the most uncomfortable to relieve himself in stating, “It’s totally fucking weird, dude.”

Contrary to popular belief, Shuart does not, in fact, make use of library bathrooms to catch a glimpse of a stranger’s genitalia nor does he go in to sidle up next to another man at the urinal.

Shuart also adamantly reiterated his statement so as not to be misunderstood—he does not deliberately try to look at another man’s penis while urinating; it is the fault of the urinals, placed in such close proximity that the sight of penis is almost assuredly within one’s plane of vision. This inevitably results, Shuart argues, in the occasional sighting of a scrotum, shaft, or possibly the entire package itself.

Not only do the urinals, almost adjoining in their placement, cause Shuart to feel uncomfortable, but they also prevent him from “taking a leak” in a relaxed atmosphere. Aware of the fact that the other bathroom guest will be able to hear him, Shuart frequently is unable to begin the process entirely.

The report ended with suggestions as how to remedy the situation.

“Just put up a fucking little wall or something between the urinals.”

Originally published: Dec 2013

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