Sophomore’s Alone Time Ruined By Girlfriend’s Search Party

BEHIND A TREE IN THE ARB— University Police announced yesterday that sophomore Jason Welles, who had been declared missing since Monday, was recently found alive and well. Welles claiming to have ventured into the Arb to “get some time to himself,” was found after Stephanie Graham, his girlfriend of three months, rallied the local police department and all of her friends to find her super-adorable boyfriend.

“Look, I’m fine, thanks. The whole thing was unnecessary,” Welles said before quickly checking around to make sure Stephanie wasn’t there.

Welles reportedly walked off into Nichols Arboretum after a two-day stay at Graham’s apartment, where he indicated there was a lot of “snuggling, pillow-talk” and “not much else.” Welles also indicated that he brought his iPad into the woods, adding that trees are unable to “loudly chatter with their housemates throughout an entire episode of South Park.”

Friends of the couple knew something was wrong when Welles fell out of contact with Stephanie.

“I was terrified,” said Jenna Durst, Graham’s housemate and perpetually single friend. “He usually texts Stephanie six times a day. It’s kinda like a rule of hers so I knew something was wrong when her phone stopped buzzing.”

Interestingly, Welles is only the last in a series of related incidents. Freshman Mitchell Brasch was found living in a dumpster near Main Street last month after his girlfriend told him she “loves him,” and senior Jon Bard was discovered living in the UGLI bathroom for five days after a “very uncomfortable Valentine’s day.”

While campus police still speculate as to how Welles survived near-freezing temperatures without shelter during the night, Graham had no questions as to how or why her boyfriend had ended up in the Arb.

“He’s just such a goofy doofus!” she said. “He’s always spending so much time in the bathroom, or ‘going to get some fresh air’, or driving around by himself. My boyfriend is so weird! But that’s what I love about him!”

Welles, though seemingly trying to communicate something, could not add anything regarding his time in the arb due to Graham’s lips passionately locked onto his.

Originally published Dec. 2013

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