TACO TUESDAY AT LOCAL ANN ARBOR HOME— Sources confirmed that while enjoying a simple, home-cooked meal last week with friends, University of Michigan sophomore Luis Crimmins was urged by some of his older housemates to add a “dollop” of highly potent Daisy brand sour cream to his freshly prepared meal.
The complex mix of bacterial cultures is known by many names on the street: White X, Pigeon Crank, and most ubiquitously, as “Daisy.” Daisy users have been known to elicit large numbers of tongue-gasms, orgasms that register in the brain’s central flavor center and has contributed to an increase in creaminess and the over-all flavor of many foods such as baked potatoes and burritos.
“We were having a really normal dinner. Just enjoying some pretty dank enchiladas and talking about last night’s episode of Scandal. Then suddenly my housemates Eric and Jake got really serious on me,” Crimmins recalled.
Crimmins claimed that the friends in question, seniors Eric Palmore and Jake Andrews proceeded to try and pressure him to “do a dollop” of Daisy sour cream along with his meal. “It’s just a dollop, dude. You’re not going to OD,” Palmore reportedly claimed.
“Yeah don’t be a bitch, Luis. You don’t even know what you’re missing, its only like 300 extra calories,” added Andrews.
Despite their insisting, his friends reportedly caught on to the fact that Crimmins was becoming increasingly hesitant to take a hit of the popular street condiment. Sources confirm that they then went on to reassure him that sour cream was completely safe and that the cows were treated ethically and not given rGBH, or whatever.
“I started doing dollops my freshman year because I was just so stressed out with school work. A big spoonful right on top of a bowl of chili just helps calm my nerves. Sometimes I take a hit straight out of the container before I’m going out with a lot of people just to take the edge off,” claimed Andrews, who blamed the white Daisy stains on shirts from alienating him socially at many parties.
“Yeah, I mean some people are weird about it cause it’s loaded with fat, but I don’t worry about it, it’s not like I have a heart condition or am diabetic or anything. Plus Daisy is just kind of part of the culture in Ann Arbor. Everyone does ‘dollops of Daisy.’ The cops are usually pretty cool about it if they catch you out in public with a small container of it,” Palmore added.
Despite Crimmins’ lurking reservations that getting into the world of sour cream would just lead to experimenting with harder condiments like Dijon mustard, he reportedly did eventually add a healthy heap of sour cream to his enchiladas, which he claimed to have been, “So fucking chill, bro.”
At press time, Crimmins was having his stomach pumped after consuming the deadly, high-calorie, condiment combination of “Miracle Whip” and “Sweet Baby Ray’s” know as MiracleSweet.
Originally published: Dec 2013
