Sources confirmed this Sunday morning that LSA sophomore Wyatt Hayworth, who has consistently brought his acoustic guitar to every party he’s attended for a full year in the hopes of ending his stubbornly persistent state of virginity, finally “got some” at a local house party this weekend.
“I figured, if Free Fallin’ doesn’t reel in the chicks, literally nothing else will,” stated Hayworth, who purchased his guitar a year ago along with a beginner’s song book entitled the Complete Works of John Mayer.
The party in question was a gathering of around fifteen people at an acquaintance’s home, and, although no one specifically asked Hayworth to bring his guitar, he figured the group of mostly strangers would love to listen to the three songs he knows how to play.
“My strategy is to wait about a half hour for the party to get going once I arrive,” Hayworth reported. “After everyone is sitting down having a nice conversation, I grab my guitar and casually join the circle. Then I just hold the guitar like I don’t even know how it got in my hands and wait for someone to comment on it. If no one does, I just start quietly playing the opening chords to Viva la Vida.”
Susan Alexander, a fellow sophomore and witness from the party commented on Hayworth’s strategy, saying, “Mary was finally opening up about her parent’s divorce and it was really emotional. Then all of a sudden this guy was playing a Coldplay song and no one could hear what she was saying. It was so sexy. I was like, fuck off Mary, I can’t resist a man with the knowledge of three to four guitar chords.”
Before he uninvitedly brought his acoustic guitar along to the party, Hayworth apparently tried his luck ensnaring the females in a number of different ways, including loudly practicing Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars with his shirt off in his dorm room with the door open.
“The only person that ever actually came in was a DPS officer,” Hayworth stated, “and he just busted me for my hookah. He didn’t even notice my One Republic poster or ask about my dream catcher collection. It was like, what’s the point?”
In addition to in his dorm room doused in Axe Body Spray, Hayworth has tried seducing the ladies by playing his guitar pensively under a tree in the diag, while riding his longboard, and on a street corner with a donation bin labelled “dare to dream.”
This reporter located Mary Cowen, LSA junior and the lucky female who responded to Hayworth’s acoustic guitar seduction techniques by going home with him this weekend.
“It was the hottest hook-up I’d ever had,” Cowen stated, “and we didn’t even have sex. He just listened to me talk about my parent’s divorce and then cried harder than me. He fell asleep on the floor spooning his guitar.”
In terms of the future of his musical career, Hayworth stated, “The songs I still want to learn are Wonderwall, Hotel California, and Hey There Delilah. You know, the classics.”
Originally published Dec 2013.