UM Track Team Losing Streak Attributed To Starting Races On Michigan Time

After a series of defeats last season, new University of Michigan track and field coach Jerry Clayton says that he plans to re-examine the impact of the University’s “Michigan Time” policy that has collegiate athletes starting the 200, 400, and team relay 10 minutes after competitors.

“U of M students used to hold a real presence in this league,” Clayton stated, “but since our runners started showing up ten minutes after the start of the race, usually holding a Starbucks coffee, the team has really gone downhill.”

Despite the new coach’s determination for change, Michigan men’s track and field Senior captain Clark Hepburn has stated that he is a “diehard Michigan Time fan” and that he has no intention of showing up on time, even to the most important races of his college career.

“I was born at 9:00 PM, October 12th, 9:10 Michigan Time,” Hepburn stated. “When the ball drops on New Year’s, I don’t celebrate until 12:10. That’s the Michigan Difference.”

The athletes of the track and field team aren’t the only Michigan students suffering from this reliance on Michigan Time. Recent Ross graduate Melanie Parker stated, “They told me all I needed to get a good job was a Ross School of Business degree. But I can’t seem to show up to a job interview on time. If something starts at 9:00, I’m leaving the house at 9:00. That’s just how time works!”

Parker is not the only alum suffering due to a Michigan Time dependence. Surgeon and medical school graduate Dr. Robert Moulds was recently fired from a position at Providence Park Hospital for repeatedly showing up ten minutes behind schedule to emergency heart surgeries.

Moulds stated, “At first I’d think, ‘oh no! I’m going to be late! I should run!’ But then I’d remember, ‘Oh yeah, Michigan Time!’ and I’d have time to stop for a bagel and chat with the nurses before I entered surgery.”

Ford School alum Andrew Gallagher recently suffered a similar blow due to what psychologists are now calling CLAS, or, “Consistently Late Asshole Syndrome.”

“My wife called me and said she was in labor, so I rushed down to the hospital to be there for the birth of my child,” said Gallagher. “Even when she screamed into the phone that our daughter was crowning, something inside me still felt like I had ten minutes to spare. So I stopped by the gift shop for some of those delicious hospital mints. Anyway, now I’m divorced.”

Originally published: Dec 2013

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