According to insider reports Hoboken, NJ electrician James Lundgren is an honest working man fighting for his rights, but his efforts may be misplaced as he does not realize the concept of “ivory tower” elites is only a metaphor.
“The nerve of those billionaire bankers and liberal Hollywood scumbags, living the high life in a giant tower while the rest of us have to rough it on the ground like peasants,” Lundgren said. “And isn’t ivory made of elephant teeth or something? How damn rich do you have to be to make an entire tower out of that stuff? Way beyond what an average Joe like me makes, that’s for sure.”
At a recent worker’s rights rally in Jersey City, the general feeling was one of resentment towards the upper class. Lundgren stepped up to the podium and shouted, “We’ve been living in the shadow of these ivory towers for too long! We need to get up there and take what’s rightfully ours!” This was met with enthusiastic cheers from the audience.
Lundgren continued, saying “We’ve got to get our hands on some helicopters! And if the funding won’t cover that, grappling hooks! Catapults, trebuchets, any method of tower ascension is on the table. Hell, if that trampoline warehouse up the road has decent prices it’s worth a shot.”
Hank Smith, an attendee at the rally, said, “Look, I appreciate this guy’s enthusiasm, but he kinda lost me at the helicopters. Doesn’t he understand literary techniques?”
When asked about the state of his mission, Lundgren said, “We may be the underdogs, but it just burns me up to think about those rich elitists in their towers so high above us working folk. I’m gonna get in one of those towers someday, mark my words.” At press time, Lundgren was honing his climbing skills at a local jungle gym.
Originally Published: Jan 2014