Chris Christie To Walk Slowly For President

As expected, Republican front-runner Chris Christie announced his candidacy for President in the 2016 election on Sunday. In an unexpected move, however, the overweight candidate elected not to run for office, but instead walk very slowly.

Given the governor of New Jersey’s weight problems, Christie’s decision was specifically calculated by his campaign managers to suit his needs. “Governor Christie is a phenomenal choice for President,” said Christie aide Jack Smithy. “But when we tried having him run for President, it was a complete disaster—honestly it was quite unsettling. We need to avoid any situations where Christie appears sweaty, out of breath, or generally tired on the campaign trail. That’s why he’s going to walk for President, not run.”

Whereas most presidential candidates spend an intense and fast-paced election period touring through all fifty states in a matter of months—often visiting multiple states in one day—Christie’s campaign planners will cater to his unique health needs by slowing down the process considerably. Christie will instead visit major campaign destinations only once per month, or “whenever he can muster up the motivation to go outside,” with snack breaks occurring every 15 minutes to maintain his energy.

Experts believe that Christie is an especially relatable candidate to most Americans due to the national obesity epidemic, and many prospective voters have already voiced their support for his controversial decision to walk for office. Cheyenne Edwards of Grand Rapids, Michigan explained, “Chris Christie is a real champion of the people. There’s nothing I hate more than snobby, elitist, polticians who are out of touch with the average American. Well, maybe exercising. But either way, Christie and I have a lot in common. He has my vote!”

Although Christie has chosen to slowly amble for office instead of running, some of his staffers believe this still may be too strenuous on him. At press time, Christie aides were not ruling out the possibility of having Christie drive for President in a motorized wheelchair.

Originally published: Jan 2014

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